We Teach Friends Health Insanity Room 191
by L.C.Candle
Summary: Notice: Persons attempting to find a Motive in this narrative will be prosecuted persons attempting to find a Moral in it will be banished persons attempting to find a Plot in it will be shot. [Formally known as Welcome to Insanity Room 191]
1. The Beginning

Edward leaves again and Bella is changed!! OHNOEZ….No, not really PX with OOC.

**Authors Note://** I don't know. I don't know at all. Really. I just wanted to make fun of stuff and use OOC. Don't hurt me XD!! I know a lot of people after reading this are going to be all 'What the f—?' but YEAH…You know you wanted to do something like this…YOU KNOW. But yeah anywaaay….Point of this Story: Make fun of people without their knowledge, it's funny. Also, for those of you who actually write fan fictions were Bella is pregnant and it's Edward's kid and stuff…well...NO OFFENCE. **//End of Authors Note**

**Disclaimer:// **Edward, Bella, and Jacob belong to Stephenie Meyer. **//:End of Disclaimer.**

"Bella….I love you…" Jacob said, taking Bella's hands, "Forget Edward, leave him alone. YOU CAN BE WITH ME! Because I'm hot and he's not."

"Jacob! I love you! But as a brother, I could never leave Edward!!" Bella said sighing dramatically.

"Noooooooooooooo!! How could this cursed blood-sucker have this affect on you???" Jacob yelled, falling to his knees and shaking his fists at the sky.

"NEVER FEAR! I AM HERE!" Edward jumped out from behind a bush with a flowing cape. "I LOVE YOU BELLA AND I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU EVER AGAIN! MARRY ME!"

"O-N-G (_Yes, she actually SPELLS it out_.) EDWAARRDD!! I LOVE YOU EDWARD BUT I CAN'T MARRY YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE A LOOSER WITH A CAPE!" Bella yelled.

Edward stumbled over to a wall and kissed it, "OH BELLA I LOVE YOU TOO!"

"O-M-G! EDWARD I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THAT WALL THING! I'M TELLING."

_-very loud screeching noise-_

**Bella: WHAT THE CRAP?**

**Edward: ….-twitches-**

**Bella: No seriously, WHAT. THE. CRAP.**

**Me: What? It's romantic and tragic. Perfect combo.**

**Bella: -raises one eyebrow-**

**Edward: Are you kidding? I kiss a wall. A WALL. A WALL.**

**Me: Yes because you're drunk.**

**Edward: Vampires don't /get/ drunk.**

**Me: Oh well PX**

**Jacob: What's with the falling of the knees? Huh? I think I bruised something…**

**Me: Shut up all of you! I'm not done!**

_-little rewind and fast forward and clicking sound-_

"SEE BELLA? MARRY ME I LOVE YOU!!" Jacob yelled grasping Bella's ankles.

All of a sudden there was a popping noise, "Umm…Is this Hogwarts?" a boy with shaggy black hair and a scar shaped like a lightening bolt asked bella.

"…Wrong FanFiction…You might want to take a turn at the next section and then take a right and then click 'Harry Potter' and you'll be there. Watch out for the Stephen King fans!" Bella said.

"THANKS!" There was another popping noise and the boy disappeared.

Jacob shrugged and said, "Anyywaaayy….MARRY ME BELLA I LOVE YOU!"

"NO BACK OFF JACOB BLACK!" There was a strange noise and an extremely gorgeous new vampire girl appeared, attacking Edward in giant kisses.

"EWW SLOBBERRRR!!" Edward yelled, making faces.

"OH EDWARD DON'T YOU REMEMBER ME? I'M YOUR LONG LOST LOVER!!!"

_-loud screeching noise-_

**Edward: Where do you get these ideas?**

**Me: ….Other fanfictions….**

**Edward: You're…weird…**

**Me: THANKS :D**

**Bella: ….I don't get the point of this….**

**Me: We're making fun of stupid fanfictions O.o;**

**Bella: Okaaay….**

**Me: CAN WE GET BACK TO THE STORY NOW?**

**Edward: No wait what was with the Harry Potter kid?**

**Me: I duno…-shrug- I felt the need to have Harry potter mentioned.**

**Edward: Okay then…**

**Bella: You can continue now…**

**Me: FINALLY!**

_-loud rewinding fast forwarding clicking noises-_

"O-N-G! CHEATEERRRRR! LET'S GET MARRIED!" Bella screamed, pulling off Edward's long lost lover off Edward.

"OH SWEET MAN! MARRY TIME!!" Edward yelled, kissing Bella.

"OH WAIT!' Bella yelled, pulling away from Edward. "I'M PREGNANT AND A VAMPIRE CHANGED ME WHILE YOU LEFT!"

"O-N-G I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE BYE!" Edward yelled, leaving again.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Bella yelled, falling down to the ground.

_-loud screeching noise-_

**Me: Okay I'm done now.**

**Edward: I'm….scared….**

**Bella: So am I….-twitch-**

**Jacob: …Okay O.o**

**Me: Hee :D REMEMBER KIDS! DON'T BOTCH EDWARD AND BELLA LIKE I DO! YOU'LL REGRET IT!!**

**Bella: -scoots away-**


	2. Random, much?

**Authors Note://** What's this? ANOTHER CHAPTER? NO WAY. Ohmygosh. FANFICTION LET ME UPLOAD. I'm shocked.**//:End Authors Note**

"O-N-G!!! EDWARD LEFT MEEEE!!!!" Bella yelled.

And suddenly, Jasper appeared out of thin air, "DON'T WORRY BELLA! I'LL LOVE YOU! AND YOU'RE THE MOST POPULAR GIRL EVER YOU'LL HAVE DATES EVERYNIGHT REMEMBER???"

"OH NOEZ!!!! JASPER I THOUGHT YOU LOVED MEEEEEEE!!" Alice yelled, throwing herself at Jacob's shoulder.

"WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? WHERE'S MY LONG LOST HUSBAND EDWARD? BACK OFF ALICE. I'M HOTTER THAN YOOOUUU. AND I'M A PHYSIC MIND READER SO BURN FREAKING BURN." The weird girl from Edward's past yelled.

"…Did you know Rumplestiltiskin is a conspiracy?" Bella asked randomly.

Rosalie popped out of nowhere and stared at Bella with one eye brow raised. "ONG NO WAY BELLA I HATE YOU."

_20 Years Later_

"Bella…" Edward whispered, coming up from behind Bella.

"Edward?" Bella asked softly.

"Yes, Bella, I'm back, I'm ready to meet my vampire daughter who should in know way be able to exist because it isn't possible for the living dead to give birth." Edward said.

"Edward, you must know…" Bella began.

"What?"

"I'VE MARRIED JACOB BLACK AND I AM HAVING A LOVE AFFAIR WITH MIKE!" Bella said, covering her face with one hand, crying ultra fake tears.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" Edward fell to the ground and pounded it with his fists.

"YES, IT'S TRUE MY LOVE. I'M SORRY….not." Bella said, "Ohohohohyeaaah! Guess what!?! It turns out that the vampire that turned me was a SUPER STRONG AWESOME VAMPIRE AND I AM THE GRANDDAUGHTER OF THE VOLTURIII!!!"

The same girl who claimed to be Edward's long lost wife stepped out of the shadows, "You are SOOOOOOOO not!!!! I AM! I AM JANE AND ARO'S DAUGHTER!!!"

A random new vampire girl appeared out of no where. "Ewww. EDWARD."

"O-N-G I THINK I LOVE YOU!" Edward yelled, picking himself up off the ground and slamming into the random girl.

"O-N-G I DON'T HATE YOU ANYMORE EITHER EDWARD I LOVE YOU NOW!" the anti-edward-lvoer-girl yelled.

"…That's MEAN. I AM ARO'S DAUGHTER AND I JUST GOT DISSED." The girl from Edward's past said.

"…OOOOHHHH POPCORNNNN!!!" Bella yelled, attacking Jasper who had a bowl of popcorn.

**Authors Note:// **Mkai. I am done. For now. –sigh- I'd have more stuff to upload (Song fics really) but it's all on my other computer which hopefully FF will let me upload stuff from **//: End Authors Note**


	3. Hide, Bella, hide!

**Bella: **Is she gone?

**Edward: **…I…I think so…

**Jacob: **Yup…definitely bruised something…

**Edward: **Oh would you shut up?

**Bella: **Edward! Be nice!

**Edward: **He started it!

**Bella: **Well I'm sure he did but I'm ending it!

**Jacob: **Haha, the blood-sucker lost.

**Edward:** Shut up, dog.

**Bella:** SHUT UP THE BOTH OF YOU!

**Girl from Edward's past: **O-N-G EDWAARRRDDDD! –Kisses-

**Edward:** GER UF MEH!

**Bella:** What?

**Edward:** GER ER UF MEH!

**Jacob:** I think he's speaking WORDS of some kind…

**Bella:** Do vampires have another language?

**Jacob:** Not of my knowledge.

**Girl from Edward past:** -LOUD OBNOXIOUS SMOOCHING NOISES-

**Edward:** HEMPH MEH!

**Bella:** Edward we don't understand you.

**Edward:** HEMPH. MEH.

**Jacob:** He said…Hump me?

**Bella:** EDWARD!

**Edward:** MMMOO! BEMMA! OONM MIZUN!

**Jacob:** And you're dating him?

**Bella:** Shut up Jacob.

**Me:** Hi guys, whatcha doing?

**Bella:** Oh we're hiding from this…HOLY CHEESE. –runs away-

**Jacob:** Bella?

**Me:** HI JACOB! –smile-

**Jacob:** OH SNAP! –runs away too-

**Edward:** MOOO!!! OONT EEF MEH!

**Me:** -flirty voice- Hiiiiiiiii Edwaaarrrddddd……

**Girl from Edward's Past:** -EVEN LOUDER OBNOXIOUS SLURCHING FACE EATING NOISES-

Translations:

**Edward:** GER UF MEH!

Edward: Get her off me.

**Edward:** HEMPH MEH!

Edward: Help me.

**Edward:** MMMOO! BEMMA! OONM MIZUN!

Edward: No, Bella, don't listen to him!

**Edward:** MOOO!!! OONT EEF MEH!

Edward: Noooo!!! Don't leave me!


	4. Chapter 4

**It's a…Author's note? Dang. Thought it was a chapter.**

Sorry to disappoint you, folks. Terribly sorry, probably got you all worked up and then made you all upset because it isn't a new chapter, just a stupid Author's note.

OH WELL. You'll get over it.

Just wanted to notify everyone that THREE new chapters are coming to this little group of…Insanity. Just be a bit patient. Poor Mel (Craziness-n-love) is going to get swamped over the next few days…Oh well. She'll forgive me, RIGHT MEL? –big smile- Many, and I mean, many updates on everything in-progress will be…updating? Something like that.

Now with that said and done…BRING ON THE EXPO MARKERS.

Crap. You weren't supposed to hear that…


	5. WARNING Chatspeaker Bashing

**Authors Note://** I actually, really, really, really like this chapter. I got to let off some steam on all those chat speakers (No offence guys!) on **//:End Authors Note**

"Brand new. Isn't it beautiful? Sleek, shiny, flat screen, _and_ it's fast. Not like Jasper's computer. This is _fast_, _fast_." Edward patted the computer lovingly.

"Did I ever tell you how _good_ that computer would look at my house, in my room? Because it would, really. You know what, Edward? You should give it to me for my birthday. Late birthday, that is...a year late…" Bella said, eyeing the computer, which had just been set up in Edward's room.

"I love you, Bella, but… no." Edward smiled and flicked on the computer, staring at it in adoration.

Bella snapped her fingers in defeat, "Shoot."

"What do you want to do first? We have vampire-speed internet now." Edward said, smiling smugly.

"I know! Check out I use to go there to read the Jane Austin fan fictions."

In three seconds flat the home page for appeared on the screen. Bella pointed at the things Edward should click and typed in her username and password, she then directed him to a section called 'Twilight'.

"This is…about…us." Edward said, raising one eyebrow.

"So the rumors are true. We _are_ in a book. Let's read some!" Bella said, pointing to one that looked interesting.

_Moments Later._

"SHUT IT OFF SHUT IT OFF! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD TURN IT OFF!" Bella and Edward yelled, shoving each other against the wall farthest away from the computer.

"What the hell is wrong with you guys?" Rosalie asked, walking into the room where Bella and Edward cowered in fear. She raised one eyebrow at them and looked at the computer screen. "OH MY F—" She yelled, twitching.

"What's going on?" Alice asked, bouncing into the room. She too looked at the computer screen. She glanced at Edward, glanced at Bella, and then at Rosalie. "Jasper…" She called quietly, staring back at the screen.

"What is it?" Jasper walked in the room and studied everyone, a strange look on his face.

"How do you turn it off?" Alice asked, her face paler than usual.

Jasper blinked and pressed a button on the screen. The screen faded and went black. "What was it anyway?"

"It was horrible, Jasper…HORRIBLE!" Bella yelled, burying her head in Edward's chest.

"It was…Insane. I left Bella again and she got pregnant and was turned into a vampire. And the worst part was….IT WAS IN WORDS OF SOME KIND!"

Jasper raised one eyebrow and looked at Alice, "Words of some kind?"

"YES! IT BURNED MY EYES!" Rosalie yelled from the floor, which apparently she had fallen onto.

"Jasper it was the worst thing I have ever seen in my life! People used the letter 'u' instead of the word 'you' and they used the letter 'r' for the word 'are' and it went on and on and on and it was so horrible…"

Bella suddenly grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and wrote "CHATSPEAK BURNS MY EYES, MAKE IT GO AWAY!" on it and taped it to her shirt. Where the tape came from, the world may never know.

"The memory! IT BURRRRNNNSSSS!!" Bella yelled, falling to the floor, shaking her hands at the ceiling dramatically.

Rosalie left the room with a blanket around her. We have no idea where the blanket came from but at least we know Rosalie was scared for life and murmured "The chat speak is coming…" many a times over the next week.

**Authors Note:// **Well, it isn't as long as I was planning, really…But…YOU'LL LIVE. Right? **//:End Authors Note**


	6. Spoiler!

**Bella: -listening to song- I'MA GANGSTA YEAH YEAH A GANGSTA!**

**  
Edward: Bella? What are you listening to?**

**Bella: Nothing! –stashes away music-**

**Edward: ….-mumbles 'I'MA PLAYA YA YA A PLAYA'**

**Bella: XD Did you just say what I think you said?**

**Edward: NO!**

**Bella: YEAH YOU DID! OMG THAT'S FUNNY! YOU'RE A PLAYER AND I'M A GANGSTER**

**Jacob: …And I am…?**

**Edward: -pause- ….A lunatic –smile-**

**Authors Note: Heehee, just a quick little thing while I'm writing Expo Markers. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE. Yes, indeed. I'm the Gangster (I beat up boys when I was a kid and had a little gang of girls help me XD) My friend is the Player (she had a LOT of boyfriends when she was small) and my other friend is the lunatic XD I will DEFINITLY elaborate on this later. So basically this is a spoiler.**


	7. Help? Anybody?

**Bella: I think she's gone.**

Jacob: HOLY CHEESE!

Bella: What?

Jacob: LOOK!

**Bella: -looks- OHMYGOD EDWARD! LOOK! A SEA! WE COULD TAKE A BOAT AND JUST GO SWOOPT! RIGHT OVER IT AND BE FREE!**

Edward: FREE? FREE AT LAST!

**Jacob: Guys…One problem.**

**Edward and Bella: WHAT?**

**Jacob: There's no boat.**

**Edward: No…Boat?**

**Jacob: No boat. –shakes head-**

**Edward: I'LL SWIM!**

**Bella: I CAN'T SWIM!**

**Edward: WHY CAN'T YOU SWIM?**

**Bella: I NEVER LEARNED!**

**Edward: -curses-**

**Bella: Edward!**

**Jacob: Haha. Edward got in trouble. –SHMILE-**

**Bella: Jacob…**

**Edward: Haha. Jacob got in trouble. –SHMILE-**

**Bella: -shakes head- Now then. HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET ACROSS?**

**Edward: I HAVE NO IDEA.**

**Bella: That's nice to know!**

**Jacob: -RANDOMLY RUNS TO OCEAN- -SUDDENLY SLAMS INTO INVISIBLE WALL- -FALLS BACK- -SCREAMS IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN.- **

**Edward: Holy f—**

**Bella: EDWARD!**

**Edward: I didn't say it!**

**Bella: You were about to!**

**Jacob: HELLO! IN UNBEARABLE PAIN THANKS!**

**Bella: We should help him…**

**Edward: We should…**

**Bella: Okay go help him Edward.**

**Edward: Why don't you?**

**Bella: I don't want to help him!**

**Edward: I helped him last time!**

**Bella: Go help Jacob, Edward.**

**Edward: I've got an idea! Why don't we BOTH go help Jacob?**

**Bella: Okay.**

**-NO ONE MOVES-**

**Edward: Why aren't you helping Jacob, Bella?**

**Bella: I was waiting for you.**

**Edward: I was waiting for _you_.**

**Bella: -sigh- You know what? Jacob can help himself!**

**Edward: Good decision! Let's go get an ice cream or something. –smile-**

**Bella: Okay! –skips off with Edward-**

**Jacob –alone-: Bella? …Edward? Hello? Is anybody there? Hey can you help me? ….SOMEBODY? …ANYBODY?**


	8. Chapter 8

**Authors Note: It's official. This has finally become just a group of random bashing or insane conversations between characters trying to escape me.**

**And I say.**

**IT WILL GO ON FOREVER I TELL YOU! FOREEVVVEEERRR! BUWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!**

**So. Yeah.**

**Alright. I'm done.**

**No, seriously. You can stop reading now.**

…

…

**I mean it, stop.**

…

…

…

**Go away already! Geeze! There's nothing else here!**

…

…

…

…

**Are you still HERE? Good gosh….**

**Hi. How Are you?**

……………………………**KAY BYE NOW. **


	9. Teef

**Authors Note: This actually happened in real life. REALLY. All the names were changed to Edward, Bella, or Jacob. Sorry for the weird fonting. I had to copy this from an actual instant message conversation and work through 8 pages editing it, then to 6, then to 4. XD Just deal with it. Hope you can figure it all out!**

**Me: Jacob  
Cat: Bella  
Lala: Edward.  
Underlined: No one.**

Bella: Here comes Jacob.  
Edward: Why is he carrying a stick?  
Bella: I told you we should've helped him.

**Jacob: -jabs- Is it Alive?**

**Edward: No.**

Jacob: **-POKES WITH STICK- ...Do you think we can eat it?**

Bella: XD

Edward: **No.**

**Jacob: It talks I don't think it's dead...**

**Maybe we should roast it...**

Edward: **No!**

Bella: I LIIIIVE. XD

Jacob: **SO?**

**I'M TALKING ABOUT THIS NOing THING**

Bella: VHAT?

Edward: **No.**

Jacob: **YEAH SEE**

**IT JUST NOed AGAIN**

Edward: **No.** **Nu-huh!**

Jacob: **CAN'T YA SEE IT WIFOUT UR TEEF? WAIT I'M THE ONE WHO NEEDS MEH TEEF**

Edward: **No.**

Jacob: **I CAN'T SEE WITHOUT MEH TEEF.**

Edward: **No you can't.**

Jacob: **IT JUST TALKED AGAIN**

Bella: XD

Jacob: **DO YOU HAVE MEH TEEF? I WANNA SEEIT CLOSE UP**

Bella: XD

Edward: **No!**

Jacob: **SEE IT?** **IT TALKED AGAIN**

Edward:

**No.**

Jacob:

**I SAY WE EAT IT**

Edward:

**NO**

Jacob:

**I NEED MEH TEEF**

Bella:

You need a labotomy. XD

Jacob:

**NO I NEED MEH TEEF**

Edward: **No, you need a lobotomy** **Whatever that is.**

Jacob:

**NO I NEED MY TEEF ...What is a labotomy anyway? XD**

Edward:

**JACOB I AM YOUR CONCIENCEEE I DON'T KNOWWWW**

Jacob:

**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Bella:

BAHA. XD

Edward: **BUT THAT'S NOT THE POOOIIINTTTTT** **THE POINTTT ISSSS**

Jacob:

**I'M NOT LISTENIN TO YA CONCIENCEEEE CAUSE I CAN'T HEAR WIFOUT MEH GLASSES**

Edward: **YOU'D BETTER OR YOU'LL BE LOOKING FOR YOUR TEETH AND ASKING WHAT WORDS MEAN FOR THE REST OF YOUR SOON TO BE SHORT LIFEEEEEE** **XD**

Bella: XD

Jacob:

**I CAN'T HERE YA WIFOUT MEH GLASSES**

Bella:XD Sweet. XD

Jacob:

**...And Bella's all "OMG MORON XDDD"**

Edward: **xD** **NOW ANYWAYSSSS** **JACOB**

Bella:

AMEN. XD

Edward: **YOU /ARE/ A MORONNNN SO LISTEN TO YOUR EVER SO CLEVER FRIENDDDD**

Bella:XDDD

Edward: **EDWARD!!!!!**

Jacob: **XDDDDDDD** **I CAN'T HEAR YA WIFOUT MEH GLASSES**

Edward: **OH QUIT IT YOU MORON AND LISTEN TO YOUR CONCIENCEEEEE**

Jacob: **BUT I CAN'T WITHOUT MY TEEF**

Edward: -sighs and walks off- -turns around because he remembers Bella is here-

Jacob: **Hey the thing is BACK**! **Ya sure we can't eat it?**

Edward: **WILL YOU QUIT CALLING ME THE THING** **AND NO** **YOU CANNOT EAT EDWARDNOW LISTEN** **YOU CAN HEAR WIHTOUT YOUR TEETH** **BECAUSE TEETH ARE FOR CHEWING** **NOT HEARING**

Jacob: **What'd it say? I can't hear without meh GLASSES.**

Edward: **NOW LISTEN TO MEEEEE**

Bella: ...Might taste good with some garlic...

Jacob: **Now ya thinkin'!**

Edward: **NO** **NOT GARLIC** **I HATE THAT CRAP**

Edward: **NOW LISTENNNNNN** **FOOOLSSSS**

Jacob: **Is it talkin' again?** **Maybe if we got some damato sauce...**

Bella: What the hell's a damato? XD

Jacob: **A DAMATO** **THAT RED FRUIT**

Edward:**WHAT THE HELL IS A DAMATO**

Jacob: **The stuff ya put in ya burgas**

Edward: **ANSWER YOUR FRIENDDDD** **OH I SEE HOW IT ISSSS**

Bella: XD

Edward: **YOU ANSWER YOUR FRIEND**

Edward: **BUT NOT YOU'RE OWN DAMN CONCIENCE!!!**

Edward: **THAT'S NOT RIGHT MAN** **THAT'S NOT RIGHT.**

Jacob: **Heyhey...It repeates itself!** **Whut if it's a broken record**

Bella: XD

Edward: **I AM NOT A STINKIN' RECORRRRD**

Bella: XD

Jacob: **I wonda whut band it is?** **YA THINK ITS DA DAMATOS AGAIN?**

Edward: **YOU MORONNNN**

Jacob: **I TOLD 'EM DAMN DAMATOS TO STAY OFF MEH PROPERTY**

Edward: **NO ONE USES THOSE DUMD RECORDS THESE DAYSSSS**

Jacob:

Bella: XD

Edward:**MY GOD** **YOU ARE A MORON**

Jacob: **THIS DAMATO RECORD IS DISSIN MEH RECORDS.**

Edward: **NOW LISTEN TO MEEE** **OKAY THAT'S IT**

Jacob: **DID IT JUST SAY 'NOW BUSTLE TO THE BEES?'**

Edward: **I'M BRINGING YOUR FRIEND INTO THIS**

Bella: ...who?

Jacob:

**I CAN'T HEAR WIFOUT MEH TEEF**

Edward: **-somehow manages to suiish Bella into Jacob' mind-** **THERE**

Jacob: **ello MATE**

Bella: Ow. It's dark in ehre. And empty.

Edward: **YEAH** **YOU GET USED TO IT AFTER A WHILE**

Jacob: **AY AY**

Edward: **THE ONLY THING IN HERE IS MY OLD RECLINING CHAIR AND A LAMP**

Jacob: **ANY OF YALL SEE MEH TEEF?** **I CAN'T HEAR WIFOUT 'EM**

Bella: ...No. Just this big, GAPING hole where your brain should be...

Edward: **MY GOD**

Jacob: **OH YA MEAN THAT PINK SQUISHY THING?**

Edward: **THERE IS NO USAGE OF TEETH IN HEARING**

Jacob: **YAAA**

Edward: **YES YOU IDIOT THE PINK SQUISHY THING THAT YOU NKOCKED OUT AWHILE BACK** **AND THEN ATE** **VERY SMART OF YOU** **BY THE WAY**

Jacob: **IT WAS GETTIN KINA WRINKLY SO I SOLD IT FOR SOME NEW TEEF **

Edward: **NO**

Jacob: **THEM TEEF HELP ME HEAR BETTA**

Edward: **YOU SOLD YOUR DUMB EARWAX CANDLE**

Jacob: **NO** **I ATE MEH DUMB EARWAX CANDLE**

Bella: XD

Jacob: **YA GOT IT ALL WRONG** **NOW WHERE THE HECKS MEH TEEF?**

Bella: ..EW. XD

Jacob: **WHUT?**

Bella: XD

Edward: **DON'T WORRY. HE DOES THAT OFTEN** **FORGET THE /REAL/ FOOD** **NOOO** **HE GOES FOR THE EARWAX**

Jacob: **REAL FOOD?**

Edward: **YEAH YOU MORON**

Jacob: **YA MEAN THAT STUFF THE GOV'N'MINTS GAVE MEH THAT WAS FILLED WIF POISON?**

Edward: **IT'S THE STUFF THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU HURL**

Jacob: **NAH.**

Bella: ...What are we talking about, now?

Jacob: **THAT STUFFS WAS FILLED WIF POISON**

Edward: **OH YES** **WE DON'T WANT YOU TO GROW ANOTHER BRAIN NOW DO WE**

Jacob: **NOPE** **THEM SQUISHY PINK STUFFS AIN'T NO GOOD** **THEY GET ALL WRINKLY**

Bella: AND MOLDY.

Edward: **... Why the hell am I still here?**

Bella: YOU THINK THEY'S CHEESE? D

Jacob: **'ZACTLY**

Bella: Because you have no life. XD

Edward: **YOU'RS NOT HELPING**

Jacob: **MAYBE THEY IZ CHEEZE** **SOME PINK SQUISHY CHEEZE**

Edward: **OH MY GOD** **I LIVE WITH MORONS** **MORONS!**

Jacob: **MAYBE ITS FRENCH CHEEZE**

Bella: MAYBE. XD

Jacob: **THEM FRENCH PEOPLEZ SOME DANG ODD PEOPLE** **YUP** **DEFINITLY SUM FRENCH CHEEZE**

Bella: I LIKE DEM FRENCH FOLKS. THEY TALK PURTY.

Edward: **UNLIKE YOU FOOLS** **WHO CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BRAIN AND A JELLYBEAN**

Bella: YOU CALLIN' ME A FOOL, BEAN?

Jacob: **YUP ITZ CALLIN YA A FOOL BEAN** **I LIKE EM FRENCH FRYES** **THEY IZ SALTY AND YELLOW** **JUST LIKE YELLA SNOW**

Bella: EW. YELLA SNOW.

Jacob: **YUP YELLA SNOW** **WHEN YA POOR THE LEMON FLAVAD SNOWCONE JUICE ON THE SNOW** **YELLA SNOW.**

Bella: ...AH. LERRRMONS GEWD.

Jacob: **YUP** **YELLA SNOW** **WELLP**

Edward: **WILL YOU TWO MORONS QUIT WITH THE SNOW?**

Jacob: **I GOTS TO GO FIND MEH GLASSES SO I CAN EEET**

Edward:**LET'S GET BACK TO THE POINT** **NOT THE POINT!!!!**

Jacob: **-GOES OFF TO FIND GLASSES FOR EETIN-**

Edward:**NOW SHUT UP, THE BOTH OF YOU, SO I CAN TELL YA THE POINT!!...**

Edward:**DAMMIT I DON'T REMEMBER THE POINT! I'M GOING! –leaves-**

**Bella: BYYYYEEEEE!!**


	10. Insert Big Words Here Please

**Authors Note:// **Okay, okay, I gotta tell you how I came up with this one. Yours-For-Eternity was showing me a bit of her little fic and Mike was thinking he was going to tell Edward off some day. And this is what popped into my head. And yes, it is short. But you'll get over it. **//:End Authors Note**

_**After School on the way to Edward's Volvo.**_

**Bella: -giggle- That's so cute! I can't believe Alice actually does that!**

**Edward: -grins- Shh, don't tell her I told you!**

**Mike: -runs up to Edward- HEY! HEY DUNG HEAD!**

**Edward: -raises one eyebrow-**

**Mike: YEAH! CULLEN! DUNG HEAD!**

**Edward: Did you just call me a Dung Head?**

**Bella: I do believe he did.**

**Mike: YEAH. 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE. A DUNG HEAD.**

**Edward: -raises one eyebrow- Oh, really?**

**Mike: YEAH REALLY.**

**Edward: Yes, well, Newton, you are a Nefarious Fauquier of a imbēcillus, and hebetudinous nincompoop. **

**Bella: …Whut?**

**Mike: -stares-**

**Edward: HAH. MORON. I WIN. YOU LOSE. OH. FREAKING. YEAH. –calms down- Come on, Bella darling, off to go for a ride in my _SHINY EXPENSIVE VOLVO._**

For those of you who have no idea what Edward said here's a translation

"**Yes, well, Newton, you are a wretched clown of a moron, you have a dullness of mind." **


	11. Well that was weird

**Authors Note:// **This was a dream I had, and I thought I should put it up here…although it relates to several stories and one anime movie instead of one book. Told in my point of view. **//:End Authors Note.**

I wipe the brown hair out of my eyes and tie it back in a ponytail. The dim light brightens the room some, but not much, I can hardly see. I need to find something to burn for a fire. They're bringing my parents home today.

My parents have been missing for years now, I miss them so much. I have forgotten what they look like but when they get here I'm sure I'll remember. My brother stands on top of a large junk pile, because that's all there is in this room, junk.

"Hey! Hey Sabrina! I found an old toilet. Let's burn it for the fire!"

I keep forgetting my name is now Sabrina Grimm instead of L.C.Candle. They took my name at the bathhouse when I lost my parents. I finally broke away from the Spirit World at the bathhouse and am now under the protection of the Government.

I shrug, "No! I found some old newspapers instead!" I said, picking up a stack of papers and waving them in the air. They're fairly old but the pictures still move of course. People are smiling and waving and the headline of one is

"**Harry Potter and Gilderoy Lockhart, popularity boost for Lockhart?"**

The cover picture is with a boy with shaggy black hair and a lightening bolt scar waving with a man of whom I presume is Lockhart. Apparently, they're at a book signing together.

I gather the newspapers and leave with my brother, Nick. We enter the living room; strangely it's an old fashioned kind of style, Victorian Era I guess you could say. Everything is an old fashioned parchment color, the lighting as well and there's a hint of red here and there. It could be the 80's though…

I press against a wall and start stacking the newspapers together, trying to make a nice one for my father. There's a cop on the opposite side of me, blocking one of the exits. My parents come in through the not blocked hallway entrance.

"Hello, dah-lings." My mother says, and my father simply smiles. He's in a pinstripe suit while my mother is in a cabaret dancer's outfit. They're both blondes with green or blue eyes, which is odd since me and my brother both have long brown hair and brown eyes.

My parents start talking to the social worker and my brother is hanging on to our father. I go back to setting up my newspaper.

What I see shocks me, a picture of my parents holding up jail number cards and turning around are in one of the newspapers. Underneath it reads "**Scarlet Hand Crew has ESCAPED?" **

I snatch the article and picture out of the newspaper and shove it in my jeans. That's also weird, it's the 80's and I'm wearing jeans and normal clothing you wear in 2006….

We go into the living room and watch Disney Channel. I pretend to read a book and then act tired, sneaking upstairs. I turn on my computer trying to contact someone and tell them that I'm sneaking out because my parents aren't really my parents but murderers.

I try to put a password on my computer but it never loads, which is really annoying. I really should get a Dell.

I hear my 'parents' coming up and I act like I'm getting ready for bed and switch off the computer monitor. My brother pops his head in my room and says "They want you."

I nod and walk out of my room where I see my real dad coming up the stairs. He smiles and says, "Okay kids time to go."

I raise one eyebrow at him and ask "Where are we going?" but he disappears so I go back inside my room and take my red and silver small little radio out and set it outside of my room and then once I put it down I bring it back in.

I turn off my light and lay down on my bed. My fake parents are in my bathroom washing up (the door is open and I can see them in the mirror). Remembering mirrors I suddenly wish I could go talk to the Mirror from Snow White and ask it where my real parents were and then steal the Wicked Witch of the West's flying monkeys and tell them to take me to my parents.

My fake parents come in my room and tell me to get up because we're going to Disney World.

Suddenly we're in Disney World and I'm sleeping in a float. I have no idea where my brother is whatsoever; I'm too tired to wonder.

I hear a voice, which I immediately recognize as Alice Cullen's, "Can't you see she's sleeping?"

I hear her brother's voice, Edward Cullen's, "What was she doing out there?"

Again, Alice, "I don't know."

Edward pokes me and groans.

I suddenly sit up and yell, "GUYS! GUYS! WE HAVE TO LEAVE! MY PARENTS ARE THIEFS AND THEY HAVE MY BROTHER LETS GO!"

Edward nods and places me on my feet. Jasper comes by and quickly Alice tells him what has happened and tells him to do something. They're talking so fast I don't understand what they are saying.

Apparently we're on a Roller Coaster. The Roller Coaster doesn't work so there aren't any little cars on it. It's now used as a bridge to get to the train station and the water park. Also, it's covered with snow. In fact, it is snowing. It's snowing in _July_.

Jasper turns to the Coaster and blows, suddenly along the tracks frozen sporks appear. Just from Jasper's breath!

Edward picks me up bridal style and we slide down, vampire super speed down the tracks.

"Edward! Those people can see you! You're revealing yourself as a vampire!" I say, clinging to Edward.

Edward shrugs and we're suddenly pushing past people to the train station which happens to be right next to the Roller Coaster.

I look at Alice and say "Great! Jasper froze the roller coaster with frozen spoons. Since when can he make frozen spoons?" Alice just shrugs.

Jasper's there, pushing to the end, tickets in his hand. In a stroller my little brother sits, licking a giant multi-colored lollipop.

Jasper hands the tickets to Edward, which read "TWILIGHT" on them and Edward smirks, saying "Ironic. Thanks." Suddenly I realize that they realize that they are characters fro the book Twilight. Since when did this happen?

"I hope the seats aren't assigned." Alice says.

"I hope they are, more sophisticated." Edward comments. We quickly find out they are.

I grab the tickets, the seating number is on the bottom, and I start pairing off everyone. Edward and I were put together, Alice with Jasper randomly, and Emmett with Nick.

I have no idea how Emmett suddenly became present but he did the moment we settled into the train.

And then, I woke up, and propped myself up on my arm, "Well. That was a weird dream."

**Authors Explanation:// Yes it was indeed. XD Okay so, let me explain. Sabrina Grimm and the lost parents deal and the Scarlet Hand are from The Sister's Grimm the books. Harry Potter and Lockhart are obviously from Harry Potter book 2. The bathhouse and the sudden change of name and lose of memory of parents are from the anime movie Spirited Away. Also, and I had no idea where to fit this but at some point in the dram my name was Haku. Also, for some reason my computer had a lot of links on the desktop when I tried to change the password. I have weird dreams. XD //:End Authors Explanation**


	12. Expo Markers?

**Bella: Crap. This again. I thought we finished this already.**

**Edward: Apparently not.**

**Jacob: Why am I here? I get no love anyway. –mopes-**

**Bella: You're here because I'm here. So deal.**

**Edward: Why is he here because you're here? **

**Bella: Because 'I'M HOT AND HE'S NOT' quote on quote.**

**Edward: Leave me alone about that. –turns away-**

**Bella: A CAPE. **

**Edward: GO AWAY! –whines-**

**Me: Sorry to bother, OF COURSE, but guys…-pokepoke- I have. THE. BEST. THING. EVER.**

**Bella, Edward, Jacob: What?**

**Me: ….JESSE McCARTNEY!!!**

**Edward: Don't want to know.**

_**Insert Loud Annoying Screeching Noises Here Please.**_

_They got a lotta girls  
Who know they got it going on  
But nothing's ever a comparison to you  
Now can't you see that your the only one I really want  
And everything I need  
Is everything you do?_

"What about Bella?" The beautiful girl asked, cupping Edward's cheek.

"What _about_ Bella?" Edward said, leaning down to kiss the girl's neck.

She looked perfect, she acted perfect, she was perfect. Her name was Ella, and she was one of the strongest vampires in the world. Stronger than the Volturi, she was everything Edward ever wanted. She was like Bella except beautiful with no flaws. Every man in the world was attracted to her but only Edward satisfied her needs.

"Don't you get it, Ella? I love you! Only you! Bella is nothing. She never was. I remember you back at the hospital. You tried to help Carlisle save my mother. I loved you then, I love you now. Bella was there to replace you. Keep my mind away from you. You're everything I need, everything I want. I wouldn't trade you for anything."

Ella pushed herself closer to Edward, kissing him, their kissing growing and going past the boundaries Edward set up with Bella….

_**Insert Loud Annoying Stopping Noises Here Please**_

**Bella: ….FTW!**

**Jacob: Edward, wow. You just went BEYOND LOW.**

**Edward: Wait, what?  
Me: HEEEEEEEEEE  
Bella: ISN'T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY??  
Me: We're getting to that part**

**Bella: THIS ISN'T FUNNY.**

**Edward: Wait…This is a song fiction…A JESSE FREAKING McCARTNEY SONG FICTION???? Oh god, I remember the days….Back when Alice had a huge crush on Jesse….Terrible times. TERRIBLE.**

**Jacob: I TOLD YOU EDWARD WOULD HURT YOU AGAIN BELLA, I TOLD YOU!!!!**

**Bella: STFU.**

**Me: EEEEEEEEE -presses play-**

_**Insert Loud Annoying Restarting Noises Here Please**_

_She's no you... oh, no  
You give me more than I could ever want  
She's no you... oh, no  
I'm satisfied with the one I've got  
'cause your all the girl  
That I've ever dreamed  
She's only a picture on a magazine  
She's no you... she's no you_

"Bella isn't anywhere close to you, Ella. Even if she was a supermodel, I'd still love you. I've only ever longed for you." Edward said, his hand running over the sides of Ella.

And quite suddenly, just before it got really good and before Jasper could retrieve his wish of never having to feel his brothers sexual need ever again…..

"HOLY FREAKING CRAP EDWARD!" Jacob yelled, pointing at Edward, "I COUGHT YOU I CAUGHT YOUUU!! I'M TELLING BELLLA I'M TELLING BEEELLLAAAA!" Jacob sang.

"You're telling me what?" Bella appeared from the shadows and stared in horror at Edward and Ella, intertwined in each others arms.

"HOLY CRAP! HOW COULD YOU EDWARD? MY OWN SISTER. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!!!" Bella yelled.

Edward raised one eyebrow, "You have a sister?"

"NO BUT WE'RE BASHING MARYSUES SO IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER BECAUSE SHE'S A MARYSUE. AND YOU KISSED HER AND EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW I HATE YOU GO AWAY."

"DIDN'T YOU HEAR BELLA HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORRREEE." Jacob yelled.

"I'M TELLING!!!!!!!!!!!" Bella screamed.

"WHO?" Edward demanded to know.

"I'M TELLLINNNGGGG ESSSMMMEEEEEEEE!!!!" Bella said, running around in circles.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT ESMMEEEEEE!!!"

Ella raised one eyebrow and pulled an expo marker from her coat, "SHUT UP THE LOT OF YOU! I'VE GOT AN EXPO MARKER AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT."

Bella, Edward, and Jacob's eyes widened and Edward whimpered.

"But…but…but… This is a new cashmere sweater…." He whined.

_**Insert Loud Annoying Screeching Noises Here Please**_

**Bella: HAHAHAHHAAA. I like that.  
Jacob: Cashmere sweaters…Who would've thought…**

**Edward: SHUT UP. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!**

**Me: I like Expo Markers….**

**Bella: I didn't know Mary sues carried Expo markers on them. XD**

**Me: How else would they force the plastic surgery doctors to operate on them?**

_**Insert Loud Restarting Noises Here Please**_

"I'm sorry, Edward, I liked the sweater too." Ella said.

"You wouldn't…hurt it would you?" Edward sniffed, hugging himself, trying to protect the sweater.

"I'm sorry, Edward…"

Bella stood in front of Edward, "NEVER!"

"What?" Ella raised one eyebrow.

"I WON'T LET YOU HURT THE SWEATER!"

"Bella, honey, it's just a sweater…" Jacob said, trying to persuade Bella to get behind him.

"NO. IT'S EDWARD'S SWEATER AND HE LOVES IT. NO ONE'S GOING TO TOUCH IT." Bella screeched.

Ella stepped forward, "ORLY?"

"YARLY." Bella yelled.

"NOWAI."

"YAWAI."

"NOWAI."

"YAWAI."

"NOWAI."

After a long stream of going around in circles with the misspellings of 'No way' and 'Yeah way' they finally came to a stop.

"….Umm….I AM THE EVVVILLLL WIZARD POTTERPANNTTTSSSS!!" Jasper yelled, picking up a stick from nowhere and waving it frantically in the air, hitting Edward in the face.

"MY EYE! THAT WAS MY F-BLEEEPED-ING EYE!" Edward cried, clutching his right eye.

"Jasper…what the hell?" Bella stared at Jasper along with Ella and they both raised one eybrow.

"NO. NOT JASPER. THE EEVVILL WIZAARRDD POTTTERPANNTSSS!" Jasper yelled, going into a superman pose thing.

_**Insert Loud Annoying Screeching Noises Here Please**_

**Bella: You felt the need to mention Harry Potter again?**

**Me: YES. YES INDEED.**

**Edward: I didn't know Harry Potter was evil…**

**Me: WELL, YEAH. WHO DO YOU THINK KILLED VOLDEMORT'S PARENTS?!? Geeze, Edward, don't you READ?**

_**Insert Loud Restarting Noises Here Please**_

"I didn't know Harry Potter was evil…" Bella commented.

Ella was slowly uncapping her Expo marker and staring at Jasper. "Well, duh," she said, without looking at Bella, "Who do you think killed Voldemorts parents?"

Edward paused, "Somehow I think I've heard this conversation before…"

"….Umm what was that stupid spell? Oh, right! VODKA TOGGLE!" Jasper…erm…The evil wizard PotterPants…screamed, pointing his stick-wand-thing at Ella.

"So that means that Harry Potter is a conspiracy…Because isn't he portrayed as the good guy in the books?" Bella asked Ella.

"Yeah, it's a whole part of this whole plan to gain popularity as 'the boy who lived' and with popularity comes power and with power you can take over the world. Duh. I thought you were kinda slow Bella, but I didn't know you were _that_ slow." Ella explained.

Edward shriveled on the ground. Hey. Vodka Toggle was a vampire killing spell after all…

Bella nodded, her eyebrows furrowed, she paused and smiled, throwing her fist in the air. "I GET IT NOW!"

"Good girl."

Seeing Edward's dead body The Evil Wizard PotterPants ran off into the distance, breaking a window or two. And still, to this day, the Expo Marker that was mysteriously stolen from Ella when she wasn't looking has yet to be found. Some people believe that the expo marker was eaten by Edward before he died. Others believe that Ella dropped the expo marker between the floorboards as she went to rape Edward's cashmere sweater by writing on it with the expo marker. But The Evil Wizard PotterPants believes that Charlie, who was never mentioned or seen in the story, had grabbed the Expo Marker when everyone was staring at it. What ever happened to this expo marker? To this day we do not know. Even the smartest scientists in the world have yet to explain it's mysterious disappearance. Will the world ever know what truly happened to the Expo Marker? We may never know…

**Please tune in next time to WTRI191 to learn more about the mysterious expo marker as we talk to researchers who have been studying the case for years. **

**Authors Note:// I WAS NOT MAKING FUN OF HARRY POTTER. I REALLY LIKE HARRY POTTER. I LOVE HARRY POTTER. DO NOT HIT ME WITH FRYING PANS (Yours-For-Eternity that means YOU TOO!) **No, I merely feel the need to mention Harry Potter every now and then. DON'T YOU? –SHMILE-

Edward: No…Let me think….No.

Bella: -blink- What Edward said.

Jasper: I AM POTTERPANTS. THE EVIL WIZARD OF OZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: And there you have it folks! THE EVIL WIZARD OF OZ HAS SPOKEN. Let's hear a round of applause.


	13. WTIR191 Important Live Broadcast!

**Jacob: Hey guys, I'm back from the restroom! –zips up pants-**

**Edward: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND SWEET…**

**Bella: SHUT UP JAKE!**

**Edward: Thank you, Bella.**

**Jasper: ….PotterPants! BUWAHHAHAHAA!! –waves wand in air-**

**Jacob: Why is Jasper here…with a wand? Dressed in a cape…?**

**Ella: IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I WILL GO BUY A BALL POINT PEN AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR MOUTH.**

**Jacob: Rude…**

**Edward: Don't test her…she will.**

**Bella: ALL OF YOU SHUT UP. THE NEWS IS ON.**

"Here we are with Dr. Candlestick. Doctor?" The news reporter said. "Yes, hello, I am Dr. Candlestick." Dr. Candlestick said drawing out the word Candle and slapping the other part of her name, 'stick' on the end with a rude click of her tongue.

"So Dr. Candlestick, what are your reports on the missing Expo Marker?" The interviewer asked.

"We have many, many suspicions on exactly what happened to the Expo Marker that one fateful day, many, and I mean many, forkians believe that Ella's twin sister Mary-Sue stole the Expo Marker when Ella scooted close to the window. We then believe that the Expo Marker was stolen from a stray dog and then given to Rosalie Cullen and being a Cullen, Rosalie through the Expo Marker away where a long-lost-said-to-be-dead-hobo stole the Expo Marker and sold it on the Black Market, which he claimed to be his corner store. A thief, who is known as 'The Thief Lord' then stole the Expo Marker and we have lost tracking from it ever since. We suppose he disabled our tracing device."

**Bella: SO THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO THE EXPO MARKER!  
Jacob: What Expo Marker?**

**Jason: …………….CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS SHALL RULE YOU ALL!!!!**

**Edward: That's not what happened to the Expo Marker.**

**Ella: SHUTUP EDWARD, DR. CANDLESTICK IS TALKING AGAIN.**

News Reporter: "So you admit that that is what happened to the Expo Marker?

Dr. Candlestick: "OF COURSE NOT! BECAUSE INDEED THAT IS _NOT_ WHAT HAPPENED TO THE EXPO MARKER, YOU FOOL!"

News Reporter: "Then what did happen to the Expo Marker?"

Dr. Candlestick: "That theory I said above was said by Professor DarkSahara, you ninny."

News Reporter:  "Will you care to explain what happened to the expo marker then, please?"

Dr. Candlestick:  "Well, someone thinks Cadi The Canadian stole it. You know those damned Canadians…."

News Reporter:  "Do you think that any of these theories are correct?"

**Edward: -stands up- I AGREE! THOSE DAMNED CANADIANS KEEP EVERYTHING SO NICE AND CLEAN. WTFH MAN? WTFH??**

**Bella: Edward! Language!**

**Jacob: _I _ like Canadians.**

**Me: So do I.**

**Jasper: CAPTAIN POTTERPANTS DEMANDS TO KNOW WHERE YOU CAME FROM!**

**Me: I've been here….**

**Jacob: Aren't you Dr. Candlestick? –stares at obvious resemblance between the two-**

**Me: NO. I AM L.C.CANDLE. _L.C. FREAKING CANDLE. _–thinks 'How did he know???'-**

**Ella: ….-eats Funyuns- Hey…Can I watch TV now?**

Dr. Candlestick: "Why, OF COURSE NOT!"

News Reporter:  "Then what do you propose happened to the expo marker?"

Dr. Candlestick: "That's a simple question! The answer is that a parallel dimension created by Harry Potter when in the beginning Harry Potter stepped into this world of U.S.A. Washington,. Forks, vampires , sucked the expo marker out of Jasper Cullen's hands when Jasper Cullen so easily stole it from Ella who stole it from Rosalie who stole it from the hobo who stole it from the black market who stole it from the stray dog who stole it from Cadi the Canadian who stole it from Bella who bought it from The Dollar General with Alice's credit card in attempt to murder her beloved Edward Cullen when Edward refused to marry her therefore in this parallel dimension fan girls ran wild one in particular whom goes by L.C. FREAKING CANDLE whom decided to write the events of the parallel dimension on as a 'fiction of insanity' otherwise known as Welcome to Insanity room 191. THAT. IS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE EXPO MARKER."

News Reporter:  "You never explained what happened to the Expo Marker…"

Dr. Candlestick:  "OH WELL."

**Bella: I didn't get it.**

**Ella: You never get it. **

**Edward: ………DAMNED CANADIANS.**

**Jacob: IS THAT A COMMERICAL FOR DOGGY BISCUTS?????**


	14. Holiday Freaking Special

_**Holiday Freaking Special.**_

_(Thank you Yours-For-Eternity who suddenly ran up to her computer and demanded that I write this.)_

Jacob Black, the most adorable-est big little werewolf in all the land, stretched on the couch and sighed happily. Little Big Jakey was a very happy werewolf. Why? Why is that what you asked? Well, Jakey was merely happy because it was Christmas Time! Santa Claus would be sweeping down the chimney soon, now, and Jakey would be there to see.

"Jacob!" Bella sang, sweeping into her living room with a plate of gingerbread cookies. "Jacob, look, I have cookies!"

"Yay! Cookies!" Jacob jumped in the air and snarfed all of little Bella's Christmas cookies. "Oh no. I forgot about Cuddles!"

"Cuddles? Who's cuddles?" a tall handsome vampire dramatically entered the room. He wore a bright red Santa hat on his head and a green shirt that read "I'VE BEEN A GOOD WITTLE VAMPY-IRE!"

"Non of your business you wampyire!" Jacob cried, folding his arms and sitting down, poutinnj g.

Bella walked over and cleaned the cookie crumbs off of Jacob's face. "Can you tell me, Jakey?" Bella asked, for she was really curious on this 'Cuddles' on the Christmasie night.

"No!" Jakey yelled hiding his face from Bella.

"Please?" Bella asked.

_**Please Press Pause**_

**Bella: -presses pause- Uhh…**

**Jacob: YES! I TOLD YOU GUYS I WAS THE MOST ADORABLE-EST BIG LITTLE WEREWOLF IN ALL THE LAND!!**

**Edward: Adorable-est isn't even a word. Moron.**

**Jacob: Shut up Cullen or I'll come over there and kick your….**

**Bella: JACOB!!**

**Jacob: …Sorry –shrug-**

**Edward: Ha-ha. You got in trouble.**

**Bella: Edward.**

**Jacob: Ha-ha-HA!**

**Edward: STFU.**

**Me: -stares- -pressed play-**

**_The button 'Play' has been pushed._**

"Make me." Jacob said, sticking out his tongue at Bella.

"JACOB! YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT TO BELLAAAA!!" Edward said, wagging his finger at Jacob.

"SHE STARTED ITTT!!" Jacob said, glaring at Edward.

Quite suddenly the doorbell rang, and just in time too, for Bella dearest was about to hit both Edward and Jacob upside their little heads.

Bella rushed to the door and swung it open. To the person standing on the other side Bella looked like a homicidal maniac. Her hair had popped out of her bun and was sticking up on end for no apparent reason but Bella looked like Cruella de Ville from 101 Dalmatians. It should've been 191 Dalmatians though because the number 191 is so much better that 101. But yeah, that isn't the point.

A random girl named Kiwi stood in the doorway and stared at Bella, terrified. She peeped behind Bella's shoulder and saw Edward Cullen turn on the radio. The song playing was 'Nelly Furtado- Maneater'.

_Maneater, make you work hard  
Make you spend hard  
Make you want all, of her love  
She's a maneater  
make you buy cars  
make you cut cords  
make you fall, real hard in love  
She's a Maneater, make you work hard  
Make you spend hard  
Make you want all, of her love  
She's a maneater  
make you buy cars  
make you cut cords  
Wish you never ever met her at all!_

And poor Kiwi, now scarred for life, watched, horrified as Edward Cullen began to swing his hips around and dance and sing along to that song.

_**Please Press Pause**_

**Edward: ….I saw a Harry Potter music video for that song…**

**Bella: What's with you vampires and Harry Potter?**

**Me: I saw that music video too…**

**Edward: I liked it. –shmile-**

**Jacob: HEY! I'M NOT GETTING ANY ATTENTION ANYMORE! WHYY?**

**Kiwi: Bella. I think your boyfriend lost his mind.**

**Bella: I AGREE.**

**Me: -presses play-**

_**The button 'Play' has been Pressed**_

Bella, well she could not handle Edward's sexyness while he danced to Maneater, so she ran over to where Edward was and shoved him out of the spotlight. Bella, being all weird and everything started to sing and dance to Gangsta, a song that the narrator of this story does not know.

_I'M A GANGSTA YA YA A GANGSTA_

_I'M A GANGSTA YA YA A GANGSTA!!!_

The narrator of this story L.C. FREAKIN' CANDLE, has at last realized that this is where we shall insert the sneak preview from a long ago….

Jacob stood up, "YOU'RE A DORK."

"NO YOU ARE!" Bella yelled.

"NO YOU ARE!" Jacob.

"NO YOU ARE!" Bella.

"NO YOU ARE!" Jacob.

"GUYS! GUYS!" Edward raised his arms and stopped the two from bickering.

"WHUT?" They both yelled at him, furious.

"You are _BOTH _dorks. Except me. I am MR. OH SO CHARMING. Because I am. I'm charming. Ya. That's right. I'M SO CHARMING THAT I KNOW THE SECRET OF THE UNIVERSE. Yup. FO SHIZZLE."

_**Please Press Pause**_

**Bella: -presses pause- DID EDWARD JUST SAY 'FO SHIZZLE'???**

**Kiwi: -is completely terrified- I—I think he did…**

**Edward: You sang 'I'M A GANGSTA' so why can't I say 'FO SHIZZLE'? **

**Jacob: FO SHIZZLE MY GANGSTA PLAYA.**

**Me: Lessseeee….Bella's a Gangsta…Edward's a Playa….**

**Kiwi: Kiwi's scared…**

**Jacob: AND I'M THE CUTEST WEREWOLF EVAH –HAPPY-**

**Me: No. You are a –flips through clipboard- A Looser.**

**Jacob: Dangit.**

**Me: -sigh- -presses play-**

_**The button 'Play' has been pushed**_

A mutated bunny rabbit ran through Bella's house, spotted Jacob and roared. This was perfectly normal though, because you see mutated bunny rabbits attacking everyone randomly on holidays…

"DANGIT MATTHEW! I TOLD YOU TO SLAM THE STUPID BUNNY INTO THE NEXT HOUSE THE _NEXT_ HOUSE!!!" Sabrina Green from L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE's story 'A Midnight Ride' ran through the broken house and yelled and pointed at the mutated bunny.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW HEAVY THAT THING IS??? IT'S A LOT HEAVIER THAN A BUNCH OF MONEY BAGS THAT WE STOLE AND DROPPED OFF AT THE POLICE STATION YOU KNOW." Matthew yelled, also from 'A Midnight Ride'. How the hell these guys got here, WHO KNOWS? Heck…Who knows anything anymore? This entire fan fiction defies the laws of science.

"OHMYGOODNESS IT'S A CUTE WITTLE BUNNY WABBIT!" Edward yelled, staring with wide anime sparkly shiny eyes at the bunny.

"CUDDLES YOU MADE IT!" Jacob screamed, throwing his arms around the extremely tall, fat, ugly, undead, mutated bunny.

_**Please Press Pause**_

**Bella: -presses pause- _That_ is CUDDLES?**

**Edward: I didn't know you had a mutated bunny rabbit….**

**Kiwi: I didn't know mutated bunnies existed.**

**Bella: I second that.**

**Jacob: It wasn't mutated before….**

**Me: Stupid freaking Matt and Sabrina, I _told _them not to use the mutated growing undead zombie potion on the rabbit. –mutters-**

**Jacob: ….WHAT?**

**Me: NOTHING!! –PRESSES PLAY QUICKLY-**

**_The button 'Play' has been….  
_Me: SHUT UP AND GET ON WITH IT!!!**

**Kiwi: Hey, Candlestick, be nice.  
Me: It's L.C. Candle.**

**Kiwi: Eh. Whatever.**

_**Okay, okay. HIT START ROBERT!**_

…………………..

…………………..

BETTY: I'm sorry, the narrator L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE has seemed to run off screaming…. Ermm…. (-turns to Robert, the director 'What now?'-)

_Robert whispers; UH…UH….UH….TELL THEM HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND UPDATES WILL BE MADE AFTER CHRISTMAS????_

BETTY: Right. Okay. HAPPY HOLIDAYS. UPDATES WILL BE MADE AFTER CHRISTMAS.

_**-Everyone runs off stage in search of L.C.Candle-**_


	15. Truly Madly Deeply, what really happened

**Authors Note:// This chapter is based off of this chapter here,** **fanfiction (dot) net/s/3308551/5/ and I have been given the A-OKAY to make fun of it. **

**This chapter is clearly dedicated to Yours-For-Eternity 'because hate is a strong word so I really really really really really don't like you.'**

**Below is what was going on in my mind the entire time I was reading that chapter.**

**And no, I am not making fun of the story because it is stupid like other stories, I'm making fun of this story because Yours-For-Eternity were making fun of it the night prior to it's posting and it was just too funny not to share with the public.**

**//:End**

"COME ON GUYS! WE HAVE TO HURRY!!" Bella said, running up the steep cliffs to the meadow of which Bella and Edward shared so passionately.

"RUN BABY RUN! LET IT RUN OH RUN BABY RUN!" Jasper sang, following Bella.

"I believe it goes 'Burn baby burn'" Alice said.

"SHUT UP EDWARD MIGHT DIEEEE!! DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD: " OHNOEZ. EDWARD? DYING? NOWAI D: THE WORLD IS GOING TO EEENNNDDDD FOR BELLA SWAN AND THE CULLEN FAMILY AND THEN EVERYONE SHALL KILL YOURS-FOR-ETERNITY FOR KILLING EDWARD DDDDDD:

And there, in the middle of the meadow lay an Edward Cullen life-sized plushie doll BURNING SICKENINGLY TO THE GROUND.

Bella stopped, as did the other Cullen's and they all began to cry screaming out to the heavens above for their loss.

**_AND THEN SHOCKINGLY ENOUGH…._**

A twig snapped.

Everyone gasped and expected to see Victoria, covered in Edward's venom saunting forward to kill them all.

BUT NOOO…

What they saw shocked everyone, even the filmmakers not even reading the chapter across the world!! Yes, what they saw was so shocking, so terrifying, so horrendous that it scared this author typing this up herself. It scared the grass growing peacefully in the ground, it scared the keyboard being used to type this. It was so _SCARY _that this fanfiction was almost rated Z!!!!

It was….

IT WAS….

………………………………………………………….

………………………………………………………..

…….ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZz-SNORT- Oh right…

IT WAS.

EDWARD. CULLEN. –gaspshockaweee-

Yes indeed, it was Edward Cullen walking out with a Churches Chicken family sized bucket of fried chicken munching happily into the meadow. "Hey guys! Whatcha doin'?" Edward smiled and bit into the chicken again, with a mouthful he gestured for his family or Bella to take one, "Want some?"

Edward's family looked at Edward, the burning body that looked like Edward, back at Edward, burning Edward, Edward, burning Edward, Bucket of Chicken, Bella, Grass, burning body, Edward, burning, Chicken, food….

The family shrugged and took the chicken and Bella stared wide eyed at them all.

"I didn't know you guys could eat Chicken…" she said.

"Yeah!" Edward said, "Tastes like Chicken." Edward threw a thumbs up at Bella.

QUITE SUDDENLY the dead burning body guy that looked like an Edward Cullen life-sized plushie raised his hand. "Hey...guys...Guys? Can somebody help me...I'm not dead...HOMYCHICKEN PAIN. FIERY BURNING PAIN FROM THE SIDES OF MY FACE, HEATHING, FIRE, SIDES OF MY FACE..." The caps dialogue was quickly recognized by Bella…

"OH OH! I KNOW THIS ONE!" she bounced up and down with excitement, "FROM THE MOVIE CLUE! WHEN MISS WHITE LADY PERSON WAS TALKING ABOUT THE MAID!!!" Bella sighed happily content at last with her memories of watching clue and then realized that the Cullens were heading home.

**BACK HOME.**

Edward and Bella sat talking and explaining Victoria's actions when suddenly Emmett began laughing hysterically.

"EDWARD AS JUILET!!" he howled and Rosalie began to giggle.

She did an odd motion, she used her index finger and thumb to pinch the air and started to laugh again.

Emmett paused and in all seriousness he asked, "What are you doing Rosalie?"

Rosalie replied, her face a brick stone of awesome-all-cold-ness-seriousness, "Why, Emmett, I'm pinching…._the air_."

And then there was a fluff scene and yadda yadda yadda kissy kissy giggle giggle poking of pokingggg anddddd……. we're done.

_**GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!!!**_


	16. Chapter 16

I put one of the best most hilarious chapters on hold because of all these summaries,

"Edward leaves and Bella is changed into a vampire, now after 300 years Bella meets back up with Edward!"

They are EVERYWHERE! It's now a trend to copy the original storylines of other people. It was a good idea the first time and interesting to read the second time but when you see the ENTIRE GOAT CHEESE FREAKING TWILIGHT PAGE FILLED WITH IT, it's just plain annoying.

SO HERE. TAKE IT. LEARN FROM IT. I don't know if any of you write those stories that are used by everyone and if you do, I mean no offence, but please, _think of something else_! If there is one thing I've learned while writing, it's that people don't like reading the same concept over and over. It's like repeating your worst class back at school _over and over and over and over_ again. You hate it. You're sick of it. You want to be rid of it and go to another subject!

So guys, if you write all these repeated plotlines _with your own 'twist'_ please just stop. Think of something else. Please. If you want a lot of reviews and respectable FF authors to read your stories (Example; SillyBella, Alphie….List goes on) think of something new, something cool, something never thought of. YOU KNOW?? Write Jasper's personal story, Alice's story, write Edward's story, Carlisle's….LAURENT'S! Even side characters stories!!!!

Come on guys, you aren't stupid. Think of something new. Then link me to it.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

THANK YOU.

NOW TO POST A NEW CHAPTER. A GOOD ONE TOO XD

_Please EMAIL me instead of PMing me if you do decide to link me to one of your original stories._


	17. Buster and DDR

**_Authors Note;// I told DarkSahara that I would bring Buster in in the last chapter but since I didn't, here he is. Kiwi was played by herself of course, Yours-For-Eternity, Matt and Rina are here again and you can read the first chapter of their story together at DeviantART! Heck my new updated profile for details on my DeviantART! User name and see the link to my DA! Profile. Please remember that I absolutely love suggestions and or questions of all sorts. _**

**IMPORTANT NOTICE PLEASE READ BEFORE READING WTI**

_This chapter will make little sense if you have not read the newest installment of 'I'm Sorry' my song fiction collection, you need not to read it all but just the newest chapter. Thank you.** Oh and, I read all your reviews guys, but I just can't reply to them all (I have over 125 that haven't been replied to.) I'm sorry! But if you have a question or something I'll answer, I promise. I **_**do _ read them all: )_**

**READ ABOVE NOW OR GO NO FURTHER.**

_**Do not read unless you've read important message above. Thank you.**_

Her sent was so appalling to him, so much stronger than Bella's ever was. It was insane, lingering by the door of the pathetic human who amounted so much more than Bella. How could he resist? He couldn't much longer…He _wouldn't_ much longer.

"Betty…." He breathed, stepping into a lighted area of her room.

"E-Edward?" She stuttered, "How did you…Why are you?"

"Shh…Don't speak…" He put a cold pale white finger up to her lips and leaned down to her neck, kissing it, "You smell so much better than Bella ever did…."

"What are you talking about?" Betty asked, scared.

"You know what I'm talking about, darling…" He whispered, wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him.

The door creaked open and Bella popped in, "HOLY SH…" she paused, "Shoot." She said carefully.

"BELLA!" Edward screamed, pushing Betty away from him, "IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK."

"It's…it's exactly what I think, Edward." Bella said, turning away from him, covering her mouth with her hand.

"No…I can explain…" He started towards her, his hand outreached, ready to spin her around by her shoulder.

Bella spun around for him and barely managed to say, "Yes it is, Edward. I think…I think…YOU LEFT YOUR PANTS AT HOME!!!!"

Edward looked down at his legs, petrified, indeed he had! He stared at his spider-man "I'M A BIG BOY NOW" underpants. "Oh…Crap."

"You know what, Edward?" Bella grabbed a red whistle out of her pocket and blew it. No sound came out.

"I think your whistles broken, Bella…" Betty said.

"No…Wait…" there was a loud crash and a thumping until a Jakey Black bounded into the room and stood, poised and ready for attack.

Bella grabbed Jakey's shirt collar and kissed him.

Suddenly, that random teenage girl named Kiwi popped in from nowhere again. She saw Edward, and his big boy panties, and started laughing hysterically. Then she saw Bella and Jakey, and stopped immediately.  
"BACK OFF, HE'S MINE!" she squealed, pulling Jakey away from Bella, and hugging him tightly.  
"Mine. Jake is mine." She hissed, batting a hand at Bella.

Bella paused, "It's _you_!" she gasped and hid behind Betty.

"Why am I here again…?" Betty asked, looking around.

"SHUT UP! WE DIDN'T TELL YOU TO SPEAK WORDS OF SOME KIND, WOMAN!" Bella screeched.

"It's who now?" Edward asked.

"Oh you don't get it because you were busy singing 'I Feel Good' by James Brown."

"Right…sure." Edward nodded in understanding.

Kiwi smirked, still holding on to Jake's arm. "Bella, did you ever get him that medication?"

"What medication?" Edward asked, eyeing Kiwi curiously.  
"NOTHING! KIWI'S INSANE, DON'T LISTEN TO HER!!"  
Jakey paused and stared at Kiwi, "...HOMYGOATS! I HAVE A _FAN_!"

Kiwi glared at Bella, "I'm not crazy!" she exclaimed, exasperated. "You were prancing around singing I Feel Good into a hairbrush. Do you think you looked very sane to me?"  
She then turned to Jacob, smiling. "Of course you have a fan, Jake. You're spiffy like that."

Jacob opened his mouth to speak but out of NOWHERE! Bella's roof broke away and Rina and Matt jumped in from above.

"WHERE IS IT?" Rina screamed, running around the room, looking under Bella's bed.

"HAVE YOU SEEN CUDDLES ANYWHERE? ORMAYBEBUSTERBECAUSEWEACCIDENTLYLETHIMOUTANDMOMTOLDUSNOTTOO…." Matthew finished off quickly.

"I'm sorry….Whut?" Betty asked. Yes. We know you forgot about Betty. But she's still there you losers. SHE'S STILL THEEERREEEEE!!

Kiwi sighed, "He wants to know if you've seen Cuddles anywhere, and if not, he wanted to know if you've seen Buster, who wasn't supposed to be let out, but they did anyway."  
"You understood that...?" Bella asked. Her eyes were as wide as golf balls, and she was staring at Kiwi incredulously.  
Edward was giving Kiwi a similar look. "Maybe you're right..." he said, eyeing Bella. "Maybe she is crazy?"  
Kiwi shot Edward a death glare, and poked him in the chest, several times, very hard. "I AM NOT CRAZY DAMMIT!!!!!!"  
Edward raised an eyebrow, "Uh huh..."  
Betty, suddenly understanding what was going on, gasped, and said, "Wait a second, who's Buster?"

But poor Betty never got an answer to her little question….BECAUSEEE….

A GIANT DEFORMED TURKEY BUSTED THROUGH THE SIDE OF CHARLIES HOUSE AND STRAIGHT INTO BELLA'S ROOM. How they didn't hear the deafening footsteps? Who knows…

"Hi….Buster…." Rina said, waving, nervously.

Buster growled at Rina and said, "Meow." In a cute little voice when everyone thought he was going to roar.

Kiwi stared. "So, Edward is wearing diapers, there is a giant hole in the roof, Cuddles is missing, and a giant turkey named Buster just crashed into the room." she blinked a few times. "Maybe I am crazy..."  
Edward stomped his foot. "THEY ARE NOT DIAPERS, **THEY'RE PULL UPS**!"  
Bella rolled her eyes.

"Cuddles is...missing?" Jacob said suddenly, hurt. Jake loved Cuddles with all his heart, Cuddle's was his heart and soul. Jacob had no life without little mutated bunny Cuddles by his side.  
Rina stared at them all, "A GIANT TURKEY JUST CRASHED THROUGH THE ROOM AND YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT..." she paused and doubled over laughing, "You're wearing...diapers...?"  
Matt frowned, "I believe he said **pull-ups**. And it's anundeadturkeymaybebecauseSabrinadecidedtobiteittoseeifittastedlikeChicken?"  
Sabrina glared at Matt, "I'MA PRETEND YOU DIDN'T JUST TELL THEM THAT."

Kiwi frowned. "Oh Jakey, it's alright," she said patting his back lovingly. "We'll find cuddly-poo. Don't you worry."  
Bella blinked. "Cuddly-poo...?"

"Cuddly-poo..." Jacob echoed, musing about the nickname. "I like it," he said sending Kiwi a thumbs up.  
Kiwi grinned, thrilled over the fact that Jacob Black, teh awesome werewolfy had given her a thumbs up.  
"Kiwi," Edward said, smirking. "You're drooling."  
"AM NOT!" Kiwi retorted, folding her arms over her chest. "And for the record, turkeys don't taste like chicken, they taste like turkey, DUH."

Rina huffed, "Well...well...Well..." she folded her arms and turned around. "I HAVE A VAMPIRE MUTATED UNDEAD DEFORMED TURKEY NAMED BUSTER!" she yelled at them. "SO...so...SO THERE!"

Jakey turned away from Kiwi and said, "I DUN LIKE YOU!" but then Kiwi slapped L.C. who was narrating, stalking them all in the background and we had to erase that from the record and make Jakey love Kiwi.

Suddenly, since it's Forks, the rain started pouring down on all of them, through the giant hole in the roof.

"Oh joy..." Kiwi sighed, dropping her arms to the side. "I hate Forks..."

"GAH! WATER! IT BURNS MY SKIIIINNNNN!!" Betty screamed.

"Edward...your pull-ups are getting wet..." Bella pointed out.

"Umm..that's not the rain..." Edward said.

Kiwi scrunched her nose, "Ew Edward..." she said, backing away. "That's just gross man..."

"I'M MEELLLLTTTINNNNGGGGG!!' Betty screached.

Matt rolled his eyes, "Yeah, and my skin burns when touched by natural light."

Kiwi frowned, as the water soaked her. Her facial expression made her look somewhat like a wet cat. "I hate rain!" she exclaimed, waving her fist in the air. "CURSE YOU RAINNNN!" she shouted, falling on her knees, still shaking her fist.

Jacob blinked, "Uh, Kiwi, you alright?"

"Yep!" Kiwi shouted, jumping back to her feet. "I'm good."

"Crazzzyyy" Bella said, swirling her index finger next to her head.

Edward blinked and turned to Bella, putting his hands on her face, "Bella! I have something to say!" he shouted at her.

Bella rubbed her ears, "Ouch...What do you want to say Edward?"

With lightening speed Edward spun around and suddenly had sunglasses on his face and a hairbrush in his hands, "I FEEL GOOD."

Kiwi's eyes grew wide again. "NO!! NOT AGAIN!!!" she started running in circles, screaming until Jacob grabbed her arm.

"Wait," he said, raising an eyebrow. "This has happened before?"

Kiwi nodded. "It's scary Jacob," she whined, "Make it stop!!"

Betty blinked, now a puddle of goo on the floor. "Um guys..."

No one noticed the poor puddle.

"Yes...it has happened before..." Bella said, remembering, "AND SHE ATE MY SANDWICH DANGIT!!!" Bella pointed accusingly at Kiwi.

Matt and Rina huddled in a corner, debating on something. "I'M NOT GOING TO TELL THEM! YOU TELL THEM!" "NO YOU!" they yelled back and forth at each other.

"No, I only ate half of it," Kiwi retorted. "It had mayo..." She scrunched her nose again and looked at Jacob. "I hate mayo."

Jacob nodded. "Yeah, I hate mayo too," he sighed, "It's icky."

Kiwi suddenly snapped her eyes to the couple in the corner. "Tell us what?" she asked, bouncing on her toes.

"...I like mayo.." Bella pouted, folding her arms.

Edward sang another line, and did a Michael Jackson spin.

Rina screamed, "NOTHING! I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING! MATTHEW SAID IT!"

Kiwi scowled. "Well, I _don't_!" she countered, putting her hands on her hips. When

Edward did his split, she raised her eyebrows, and eyed Jacob. "What a weirdo..." she murmured.

Jacob chuckled. "Hey Ed, you got something on your shoe..."

Kiwi's eyes darted around the room. "Has anyone seen Betty?"

Kiwi growled, and tossed the pillow back at Bella. "I was talking about Edward, actually..."

Jacob's eyes shifted, he seemed uncomfortable. "Well, that's different then..."

Betty sighed. "Betty is the puddle of goo on the floor."

Yet again the poor goo went unnoticed.

"EDWARD'S NOT WEIRD, EDWARD'S HOT! IF ANYONE'S WEIRD IT'S THE DEFORMED TURKEY!" Bella yelled, pointing at Buster.

"NO! DON'T SAY THAT HE'LL—" But Matt and Rina never got to finish their sentence because Buster began to cry, and suddenly the rain wasn't just light rain anymore it was salty, heavy, flood-making rain.

"Well, you got something on your sock then!" Jacob said, not noticing the steady flood growing in the room.

"OH YEAH? YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I SING BETTER THAN YOU!" Edward yelled.

"ORLY? WANNA BET? IT'S TIME FOR….."

"DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!!!!" Jacob and Edward screamed at the same time.

Buster stopped crying and began clapping, letting out a wolf-whistle as Jacob and Edward began to dance on the mats.

Rina and Matt looked very nervous, pacing back and forth across the room, and Kiwi and Bella were having a pillow fight…

Until.

There was a loud crunching noise….and….everything went…..

_**Black.**_


	18. Superman Underpants

**_Authors Note;// I told DarkSahara that I would bring Buster in the last chapter but since I didn't, here he is. Kiwi was played by herself of course, Yours-For-Eternity, Matt and Rina are here again and you can read the first chapter of their story together at DeviantART! Heck my new updated profile for details on my DeviantART! User name and see the link to my DA! Profile. Please remember that I absolutely love suggestions and or questions of all sorts. _**

**IMPORTANT NOTICE PLEASE READ BEFORE READING WTI**

_This chapter will make little sense if you have not read the newest installment of 'I'm Sorry' my song fiction collection, you need not to read it all but just the newest chapter. Thank you.** Oh and, I read all your reviews guys, but I just can't reply to them all (I have over 125 that haven't been replied to.) I'm sorry! But if you have a question or something I'll answer, I promise. I **_**do _ read them all: )_**

**READ ABOVE NOW OR GO NO FURTHER.**

(Ha-ha. No this is not the same chapter.)

_**Do not read unless you've read important message above. Thank you.**_

Her sent was so appalling to him, so much stronger than Bella's ever was. It was insane, lingering by the door of the pathetic human who amounted so much more than Bella. How could he resist? He couldn't much longer…He _wouldn't_ much longer.

"Bettie…." He breathed, stepping into a lighted area of her room.

"E-Edward?" She stuttered, "How did you…Why are you?"

"Shh…Don't speak…" He put a cold pale white finger up to her lips and leaned down to her neck, kissing it, "You smell so much better than Bella ever did…."

"What are you talking about?" Bettie asked, scared.

"You know what I'm talking about, darling…" He whispered, wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him.

The door creaked open and Bella popped in, "HOLY SH…" she paused, "Shoot." She said carefully.

"BELLA!" Edward screamed, pushing Bettie away from him, "IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK."

"It's…it's exactly what I think, Edward." Bella said, turning away from him, covering her mouth with her hand.

"No…I can explain…" He started towards her, his hand outreached, ready to spin her around by her shoulder.

Bella spun around for him and barely managed to say, "Yes it is, Edward. I think…I think…YOU LEFT YOUR CAPRI'S AT HOME!!!!"

Edward looked down at his legs, petrified, indeed he had! He stared at his superman "I'M A BIG BOY NOW" underpants. "Oh…Crap."

"You know what, Edward?" Bella grabbed a red whistle out of her pocket and blew it. No sound came out.

"I think your whistles broken, Bella…" Bettie said.

"No…Wait…" there was a loud crash and a thumping until a Jakey Black bounded into the room and stood, poised and ready for attack.

Bella grabbed Jakey's shirt collar and kissed him.

Suddenly, that random teenage girl named Kiwi popped in from nowhere again. She saw Edward, and his big boy panties, and started laughing hysterically. Then she saw Bella and Jakey, and stopped immediately.  
"BACK OFF, HE'S MINE!" she squealed, pulling Jakey away from Bella, and hugging him tightly.  
"Mine. Jake is mine." She hissed, batting a hand at Bella.

Bella paused, "It's _you_!" she gasped and hid behind Bettie.

"Why am I here again…?" Bettie asked, looking around.

"SHUT UP! WE DIDN'T TELL YOU TO SPEAK WORDS OF SOME KIND, WOMAN!" Bella screeched.

"It's who now?" Edward asked.

"Oh you don't get it because you were busy singing 'I Feel Blobd' by James Brown."

"Right…sure." Edward nodded in understanding.

Kiwi smirked, still holding on to Jake's arm. "Bella, did you ever get him that medication?"

"What medication?" Edward asked, eyeing Kiwi curiously.  
"NOTHING! KIWI'S INSANE, DON'T LISTEN TO HER!!"  
Jakey paused and stared at Kiwi, "...HOMYGOATS! I HAVE A _FAN_!"

Kiwi glared at Bella, "I'm not crazy!" she exclaimed, exasperated. "You were prancing around singing I Feel Blobd into a hairbrush. Do you think you looked very sane to me?"  
She then turned to Jacob, smiling. "Of course you have a fan, Jake. You're spiffy like that."

Jacob opened his mouth to speak but out of NOWHERE! Bella's roof broke away and Rina and Matt jumped in from above.

"WHERE IS IT?" Rina screamed, running around the room, looking under Bella's bed.

"HAVE YOU SEEN CUDDLES ANYWHERE? ORMAYBEBUSTERBECAUSEWEACCIDENTLYLETHIMOUTANDMOMTOLDUSNOTTOO…." Matthew finished off quickly.

"I'm sorry….Whut?" Bettie asked. Yes. We know you forgot about Bettie. But she's still there you losers. SHE'S STILL THEEERREEEEE!!

Kiwi sighed, "He wants to know if you've seen Cuddles anywhere, and if not, he wanted to know if you've seen Buster, who wasn't supposed to be let out, but they did anyway."  
"You understood that...?" Bella asked. Her eyes were as wide as golf balls, and she was staring at Kiwi incredulously.  
Edward was giving Kiwi a similar look. "Maybe you're right..." he said, eyeing Bella. "Maybe she is crazy?"  
Kiwi shot Edward a death glare, and poked him in the chest, several times, very hard. "I AM NOT CRAZY DAMMIT!!!!!!"  
Edward raised an eyebrow, "Uh huh..."  
Bettie, suddenly understanding what was going on, gasped, and said, "Wait a second, who's Buster?"

But poor Bettie never got an answer to her little question….BECAUSEEE….

A GIANT DEFORMED TURKEY BUSTED THROUGH THE SIDE OF CHARLIES HOUSE AND STRAIGHT INTO BELLA'S ROOM. How they didn't hear the deafening footsteps? Who knows…

"Hi….Buster…." Rina said, waving, nervously.

Buster growled at Rina and said, "Meow." In a cute little voice when everyone thought he was going to roar.

Kiwi stared. "So, Edward is wearing diapers, there is a giant hole in the roof, Cuddles is missing, and a giant turkey named Buster just crashed into the room." she blinked a few times. "Maybe I am crazy..."  
Edward stomped his foot. "THEY ARE NOT DIAPERS, **THEY'RE PULL UPS**!"  
Bella rolled her eyes.

"Cuddles is...missing?" Jacob said suddenly, hurt. Jake loved Cuddles with all his heart, Cuddle's was his heart and soul. Jacob had no life without little mutated bunny Cuddles by his side.  
Rina stared at them all, "A GIANT TURKEY JUST CRASHED THROUGH THE ROOM AND YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT..." she paused and doubled over laughing, "You're wearing...diapers...?"  
Matt frowned, "I believe he said **pull-ups**. And it's anundeadturkeymaybebecauseSabrinadecidedtobiteittoseeifittastedlikeChicken?"  
Sabrina glared at Matt, "I'MA PRETEND YOU DIDN'T JUST TELL THEM THAT."

Kiwi frowned. "Oh Jakey, it's alright," she said patting his back lovingly. "We'll find cuddly-poo. Don't you worry."  
Bella blinked. "Cuddly-poo...?"

"Cuddly-poo..." Jacob echoed, musing about the nickname. "I like it," he said sending Kiwi a thumbs up.  
Kiwi grinned, thrilled over the fact that Jacob Black, teh awesome werewolfy had given her a thumbs up.  
"Kiwi," Edward said, smirking. "You're drooling."  
"AM NOT!" Kiwi retorted, folding her arms over her chest. "And for the record, turkeys don't taste like chicken, they taste like turkey, DUH."

Rina huffed, "Well...well...Well..." she folded her arms and turned around. "I HAVE A VAMPIRE MUTATED UNDEAD DEFORMED TURKEY NAMED BUSTER!" she yelled at them. "SO...so...SO THERE!"

Jakey turned away from Kiwi and said, "I DUN LIKE YOU!" but then Kiwi slapped L.C. who was narrating, stalking them all in the background and we had to erase that from the record and make Jakey love Kiwi.

Suddenly, since it's Forks, the rain started pouring down on all of them, through the giant hole in the roof.

"Oh joy..." Kiwi sighed, dropping her arms to the side. "I hate Forks..."

"GAH! WATER! IT BURNS MY SKIIIINNNNN!!" Bettie screamed.

"Edward...your pull-ups are getting wet..." Bella pointed out.

"Umm..that's not the rain..." Edward said.

Kiwi scrunched her nose, "Ew Edward..." she said, backing away. "That's just gross man..."

"I'M MEELLLLTTTINNNNGGGGG!!' Bettie screached.

Matt rolled his eyes, "Yeah, and my skin burns when touched by natural light."

Kiwi frowned, as the water soaked her. Her facial expression made her look somewhat like a wet cat. "I hate rain!" she exclaimed, waving her fist in the air. "CURSE YOU RAINNNN!" she shouted, falling on her knees, still shaking her fist.

Jacob blinked, "Uh, Kiwi, you alright?"

"Yep!" Kiwi shouted, jumping back to her feet. "I'm blobd."

"Crazzzyyy" Bella said, swirling her index finger next to her head.

Edward blinked and turned to Bella, putting his hands on her face, "Bella! I have something to say!" he shouted at her.

Bella rubbed her ears, "Ouch...What do you want to say Edward?"

With lightening speed Edward spun around and suddenly had sunglasses on his face and a hairbrush in his hands, "I FEEL BLOBD."

Kiwi's eyes grew wide again. "NO!! NOT AGAIN!!!" she started running in circles, screaming until Jacob grabbed her arm.

"Wait," he said, raising an eyebrow. "This has happened before?"

Kiwi nodded. "It's scary Jacob," she whined, "Make it stop!!"

Bettie blinked, now a puddle of blob on the floor. "Um guys..."

No one noticed the poor puddle.

"Yes...it has happened before..." Bella said, remembering, "AND SHE ATE MY SANDWICH DANGIT!!!" Bella pointed accusingly at Kiwi.

Matt and Rina huddled in a corner, debating on something. "I'M NOT GOING TO TELL THEM! YOU TELL THEM!" "NO YOU!" they yelled back and forth at each other.

"No, I only ate half of it," Kiwi retorted. "It had mayo..." She scrunched her nose again and looked at Jacob. "I hate mayo."

Jacob nodded. "Yeah, I hate mayo too," he sighed, "It's icky."

Kiwi suddenly snapped her eyes to the couple in the corner. "Tell us what?" she asked, bouncing on her toes.

"...I like mayo.." Bella pouted, folding her arms.

Edward sang another line, and did a Michael Jackson spin.

Rina screamed, "NOTHING! I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING! MATTHEW SAID IT!"

Kiwi scowled. "Well, I _don't_!" she countered, putting her hands on her hips. When

Edward did his split, she raised her eyebrows, and eyed Jacob. "What a weirdo..." she murmured.

Jacob chuckled. "Hey Ed, you got something on your shoe..."

Kiwi's eyes darted around the room. "Has anyone seen Bettie?"

Kiwi growled, and tossed the pillow back at Bella. "I was talking about Edward, actually..."

Jacob's eyes shifted, he seemed uncomfortable. "Well, that's different then..."

Bettie sighed. "Bettie is the puddle of blob on the floor."

Yet again the poor BLOB went unnoticed.

"EDWARD'S NOT WEIRD, EDWARD'S HOT! IF ANYONE'S WEIRD IT'S THE DEFORMED TURKEY!" Bella yelled, pointing at Buster.

"NO! DON'T SAY THAT HE'LL—" But Matt and Rina never got to finish their sentence because Buster began to cry, and suddenly the rain wasn't just light rain anymore it was salty, heavy, flood-making rain.

"Well, you got something on your sock then!" Jacob said, not noticing the steady flood growing in the room.

"OH YEAH? YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I SING BETTER THAN YOU!" Edward yelled.

"ORLY? WANNA BET? IT'S TIME FOR….."

"DANCE PANTS REVOLUTION!!!!" Jacob and Edward screamed at the same time.

Buster stopped crying and began clapping, letting out a wolf-whistle as Jacob and Edward began to dance on the mats.

Rina and Matt looked very nervous, pacing back and forth across the room, and Kiwi and Bella were having a pillow fight…

Until.

There was a loud crunching noise….and….everything went…..

_**Green.**_

**Author's Note; Wasn't that just BORING? You read the same thing twice! Okay, so there were some minor changes, like Betty to Bettie and goo to blob and Black to Green and Dance Dance Revolution to Dance Pants Revolution and spider-man underwear to superman underwear…but it was basically the exact same thing. Now, when you write a story that's already been done ten times, and in fact there are three brand new ones of the exact same plot line on the front page of Twilight, how _boring_ do you think it is to see all those stories exactly alike with some changes? It's pretty dang boring, isn't it? You have to flip through pages of pages of things to find something never done before, something interesting.**

**So guys, I hope you see my point here on originality, it's okay the first three times but after you see one new story with the same plotline on the front page everyday, it's just not fun to read.**

**And for those of you who read and are all 'Man she is so whiny. She complains and complains and stuff about things she's never read.' Well I _do_ read your stories, even the ones with the overused plotlines. They are all the same with the exceptions of two every now and then.**

**SO THERE! XD**


	19. Chapter 19

**Important Authors Note; (WAAAA! IT'S JUST AN AUTHORS NOTE… Orly? Read anyway. I promise you won't be disappointed.)**

**A Series about a Series, the True meaning of Insanity**

…

Ah yes, you're all screaming and thwacking the computer monitor with toast because you miss WTI updates. I know, I understand, I've been being attacked by Kiwi, Waffles, and P.T. for an Insanity update.

So therefore, there shall be some Insanity Updates.

Yes, I said, _update**s**_ That's plural, meaning, more than one.

Wait…

Here's the best part m'dears…

…

…

These Updates are not a part of WTI this little…fanfiction…group –waves arms- No. That would be too confusing. I don't want you lot confused, that would be bad D: so therefore…

It shall be a Series about a Series.

It's name?

THE TRUE MEANING OF INSANITY.

Basically a mini-WTI.

Oh-yeah I know you're excited. You're just DYING to read it. How do I know this? BECAUSE WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO READ SOMETHING AS HILARIOUS (maybe even more) AS WTI WHICH IS AMAZINGLY ONE LETTER AWAY FROM WTF???

Sane people. You lot are not sane, you're so _in_sane (the process of being not sane) that your _sane_. Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?

OF COURSE YOU DON'T!!!! You know this;

THERE'S GOING TO BE A MINI-WTI!!!!

But do not fear m'fellow'friends… There will be a many WTI updates. I promise. :)

**_By the way, Arrossire Giovani will be a very interesting _not humourless_ story that you really should start reading._**


	20. Lolz The Wall and ManEata

**Plotline; Bella's Drunk.**

**Why; It was all i am phat's and Im Holding Edward Captive**

**Featuring; Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, The Wall, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and Edgar Allan POW.**

**Bella's POV.**

**So. Here I am. I am DEAD. Dead dead dead dead dead….**Lol that makes a funny song.

Ohgee…Edward left me…I'm so sad…I didn't want him to…OH WELLZ. That's why I've got JAKEY WAKEY/ CAUSE HE'S COOL. YA….

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BEER.

Wow. Did you know Beer was awesome?

**The Wall's POV.**

I am **the** wall.

**Third Person Narration Time!**

I don't give a dipstick BILL. I said I'd only work WEDNESDAY. No! Don't you hang up on me! DAMMIT BILL! GET THE CANDLES TO DO THIS CRAP. What? No! I'm sorry! Don't fire me…. Wait…I don't work for you. You work for me….YOU'RE FIRED. Wait...I'm what? I'm on, right now? Are you serious? BILL! YEAH? REALLY? WELL F….Oh holy….I am on….

Welcome to Insanity Room 191! No, I'm sorry, this isn't Anonymous Alcoholics, that is room 101. **_101_** people. Oh for the love of…I hate working Fridays…**_1 FREAKING 0 FREAKING 1 GUYS! NOT 1 FREAKING 9 FREAKING 1!!!_**

So, I have a job to do, don't I? Yes, yes I do. For I am the narrator, the most important person in this entire story. Oh yeah, that's right. My name? L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE. Yeah, L.C.Candle is supposed to be working with this night but nooooo "She's busy." Do you see why I fired Bill? He's supposed to take care of this stuff but noooooooo.

Moving on, to the story…

**Kay. Go Now.**

Edward Cullen zoomed by in his silver Volvo, straight past the Forks High school, the only High school in the small town. The only place where his beloved Bella Swan was dancing around like an idiot with a bottle of beer in her hands.

Of course, this bottle of beer was only given to her by the one and only 'i am phat' which was of course, not there at the moment because the poor dear ran off into the distance to celebrate the destruction of Bella's 'innocence'. It was here, at Forks High, that Edward suddenly slowed to a dangerously low 80, and zoomed backwards, staring at Bella who was very loudly singing.

"FOLLOW THE BUTTAFLIES FOLLOW THE BUTTAFLIIEEES!" She screamed, running around in circles, "YO HO HO AND A BOTTLA RUMMMM!!! THREE DEAD PIRATES ON A PIXIE STICK….WHOOOOOOOOOOO SPECTACTULAR SPECTACULAR SO EXCITING THE AUDIENCE WILL STOMP AND CHEER, SO DELIGHTFUL IT WILL RUN FOR FIFTY FKING YEAAARRRSSSS!!"

Edward stopped his car and leaned out the window, "Bella…what are you doing?" he asked softly.

Bella spun around and waltzed towards him, she burped and fall down on the ground besides his car, "LOL." She spelled out, " LOL EDWARDDDD, I DUNT WANA SEE YOU NO MORES. LOL. LOL."

Edward paused, hurt by her words, "WHY. THAT'S. SO. MEAN." Edward pouted, throwing his lower lip out, "I'M TELLIIINNGGGG!!"

"YOUR SWEETER IS UGLEH." Bella said, giggling and burping repeatedly.

"IT IS NOT!!!" Edward whined, looking down at his 'I LUFF STAR WARS' sweater. "YODO OWNS YOU SO BAD."

"Nooo….YOUR EYELASH DOES."

**Kay. Stop Now.**

**Wall; I am. The. Wall. Own'd**

**Mike; MY NUMBER IS 678-32 GUYS!!! CALL ME –wink- **

**L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; Ew. X.x**

**Bill; HOW COULD YOU L.C.? WITH THE LUNG DISEASE AND EVERYTHING…HOW COULD YOUU??**

**L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; o-o…………BOB?**

**Bob; Hi.**

**L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; Shoot him –points to Bill- o-o**

**Kay. Go Now.**

**Edgar Allan Poe** (January 19, 1809 – October 7, 1849) was an American poet, short story writer, editor, critic and one of the leaders of the American Romantic Movement. Best known for his tales of the macabre, Poe was one of the early American practitioners of the short story and a progenitor of detective fiction and crime fiction. He is also credited with contributing to the emergent science fiction genre. Poe died at the age of 40. The cause of his death is undetermined and has been attributed to alcohol, peanut butter abuse, drugs, cholera, rabies, suicide (although likely to be mistaken with his suicide attempt in the previous year), tuberculosis, and other agents.

**Edgar Allan Pow **(January 20, 1809 - ???) on the other hand, was Edgar Allan Poe's twin brother who was his third-fifth removed half cousin, mother's sister's daughter's son's uncles' brother's boyfriend's homosexual's commando penguin's rocket scientist's brother's sister's friend's cousin's boyfriend's homosexual's commando pen…oh right we said that….ermm…cousin's boyfriend's homosexual's (not that there's anything WRONG with that) pen's son. He was last seen impersonating Edgar Allan Poe, but you can easily tell it's Pow (despite the very unlikely resemblance) because Pow tends to walk around and hit people on the head with a cane and yell, "PITCHOW **_POW_**!" Pow has said to be a rapist of shoes and hair and you should be cautious when approaching. Seriously, guys, I went out with him once….he took a permanent marker and wrote "RAPED" on my converse. Then he poked my hair and said "RAPED!" He violated my shoes and hair's privacy!!! Oh well, at least my ears are still virgins…

**Kay. Stop Now.**

….OMG. BOB! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! OMG SOMEBODY CALL 911!!!!

**Kay. Go Now. O.o**

Oh. Sorry, guys, here's a word from our sponsor...-eyeroll- why do we even need a sponsor? Not like they DO anything…losey son of a….OMG! I'M ON? BOB! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME! You did? I didn't? ….WELL. YOU'RE FIRED.

**Now a word from Edgar Allan Pow;**

**Hi Kids! Do you want an extra PEP in your STEP? A little PITCHOW POW in your clothing? That's right, we all know you want to be POPULAR! You gotta walk like me, talk like me, if you wanna be POPULAR! I'll teach you how to do your hair, how to flirt with the boys –oo- You gotta be POPULAR! But you'll never be! As popular! As ME! Oo-La-La.**

**BUY THE NEW "EDGAR ALLAN POW'S BOOK OF ORIGINALITY." Or the first edition, "EDGAR ALLAN POW'S BOOK OF AWESOMENESS." Which OWNS YOU KIDS. IT OWWWNNNNSSSSS YOU. Luezors…**

**Anyway! To be popular DO EVERYTHING COOL PEOPLE DO!! And remember;**

**JUST BE YOURSELF!**

**Kay. Just…Move on O.o;**

An older version (and we mean _really_ old) of Jacob Black scuttled along the sidewalk and stopped in front of Edward and Bella, "THAT'S NOT WHAT YA WERE YELLING IN MY EARS LAST NIGHT EDWARD." Jacob winked what seemed to be a seductive old person wink and walked away.

"WTF?" Bella stared at Jacob walking by and Edward shifted his eyes, sliding back inside his car.

Bella appeared to be sober now.

A loud booming beat suddenly a-sploded from the inside of Edward's silver volvo…

_She's a maneater make you work hard make you spend hard…_

And in the split of a half-second Edward got out of his volvo and ran to The Wall with Mike's gay (not that there's anything WRONG with that…) phone number and spun around. When he spun around to face Bella, he was wearing all black with excessive gothic markings on his face. Oh, and really red lipstick.

He paused and opened up a cell phone, pressed a few buttons and said in a really gothic voice, "Dear Diary, mood; apathetic. I went to the psychiatrist today. They asked me how I felt. I told them I felt empty. Like my life was just a dark void of nothingness. A special Hershey's dark chocolate. I'm afraid of dark chocolate. I told the doctors this and they let me wear their jacket. They said I was improving. But diary, I'm not. Also…" and here Edward's voice went from low and depressing to high pitched and preppy, "I LIKE PEANUTBUTTER WITH ROSES ON THEM."

And then Edward got on all-fours and did the dance moves to Maneater which was still playing in the distance. And then, the most insane thing happened…

**Kay. Stop Now.**

**L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; I can't believe…My god…Jimmy? JIMMY????**

**Jimmy: I'm Greg.**

**L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; Oh Jimmy! Thank goodness you're here! You see….-dials 911- HELP! POLICE! THE MURDERER!!! HIS NAME IS JIMMY HELLSINGBURGERSONDINGDYDOPPLER. YES, _DINGDYDOPPLER_!!! HE'S HERE NOW!! COME QUICKLY!**

**Jimmy (er..Greg); WTF. JIMMY IS MY BROTHER MAN! MY TWIN BRO WTF.**

**L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; You mean _WTI_ this is _WTI_ the Room 191 station not _WTF_. And besides, YOU DID IT!!!!**

**Jimmy; Technically you did…**

**L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; WELL DANGIT! GREG!!**

**Greg; I'm Jimmy.**

**L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; SHOOT HIM!!! –points to Jimmy-**

**Um…Let's just…Go.**

A tall and slim girl with blonde hair wearing a super tight black leather jumpsuit and black boots stepped into the picture (really...it was like in the movies where you have this grand entrance but first you see this HUGEEEE foot on the screen.) .

"I am…" shee said in a loud BOOMING voice…

"**BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER." **

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_**From Now on everyone say OMC instead of OMG (Oh my Carlisle) we're starting a revolution people.**_

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**Haha. Looser.**

_**To be continued…**_

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_**Hee The Beauty of Copy and Paste**_

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Oh come on. Like I'd really leave you with _that_.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer came into full view and pounced on Edward, taking a wooden stake out of her back pocket (…odd she has no back pocket) and stabbed him in the heart.

Edward cried in fake pain and ripped it out. He giggled.

Buffy stared, "YOU….YOU SHOULD BE DEAD!!!"

"Durrr. I am, luezor." And then Edward punched Buffy in the face. The last words heard from her were….

"**GOOD DAMMIT YOU BROKE MY FKING FIFTY DOLLAR NOSE!!!"**


	21. IMPORTANT READ NOOOWWW

On second thought...PLEASE. GO. BOTHER. xHeavenxxForbidx ON AIM.

SORRY YAHOO USERS SHE DOESN'T HAVE YAHOO BUT SHE DOES INDEED HAVE MSN.

djegwilsoli. HER MSN.

GO BOTHER HER.

LIKE.

NOW.

KAY?

KAY.

GLAD WE HAVE THAT SETTLED.

YUP.

YUP.

YUP.

AND NOW A WORD FROM L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE!!

L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; Did you see the last 7 chapters? -.- THAT. IS WHAT SHE DID ON FRIDAY NIGHT! LEAVING ME TO PROVIDE ENTERTAINMENT FOR YOU GUYS. DO YOU SEE WHAT SHE PUTS ME THROUGH???

Erm...enough of that...

HI.

WAIT.

BYE.

WE HAVE TO GO.

TILL THE NEXT UPDATE..

BYE.  
BYE BYE BYE

YES

BYE

I SAID BYE

AND REMEMBER

OMC OH MY CARLISLE. NO MORE OMG!!! 


	22. Nancy and the Gumball Machine

**Plotline; Bella's Drunk  
Why; It was all I am phat and Im Holding Edward Captive's fault. Well, not really...but that's what we're going to tell the lawyers!**

**Featuring; Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, Sailor Moon, Nancy and Edgar Allen POW!**

**Kay. Go Now.**

**Authors Note;** Sorry for the chat chapters! X3 But here you go, something FRESH. Also, WHOEVER NOMINATED ME FOR BEST AUTHOR AND THIS FANFICTION FOR BEST TWILIGHT FANFICTION IN THE TWILIGHT AWARDS, I LOVE YOU!!! **;End Authors Note**

**Kay. Stop Now.**

**L.C.Candle- YO FREAKIN' CANDLE!  
L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE- WHERE. HAVE. YOU. BEEN????  
L.C.Candle- -puts up coat- Starbucks. –shrug-  
L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE- I am NEVER working YOUR STUPID SHIFTS EVER. AGAIN.  
L.C.Candle- Where's Jimmy and Greg?  
L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE- …….-shifty eyes-…….Out for Coffee…-shoves L.C.Candle in a closet- MUWHAHAHAHAA! MUWHAHAHAHHAHAAH…-cough-HAHAHHAAA-gag- AHHAHAHAHAHA-coughgag- Ahahaha? –coughchokegag- Ha? –coughchokegagtwitchfracturedrib- Oh forget it…**

**Kay. Go Now.**

Edward dusted his hands off on Bella's jacket and turned around to see a now 70 year old Buffy the Vampire Slayer crawling foreword. Edward punched her again. "WHY DON'T YOU JUST LIKE…I DUNNO…DIE?"

There was a moan and then almost in cartoony style, Buffy bounced up except now she was dressed up as Sailor Moon "I AM SAILOR MOON! PROTECTOR OF EARTH AND DEFENDER OF EEEVVVILLL!"

"Bella?" Edward raised one eyebrow and held out his hand.

"Charlie's…?" Bella turned and dug in a box that appeared out of no where but you know...was just…_there…_

"Please." Edward nodded and Sailor Moon Buffy went on and on with her little speech.

"PREPARE FOR TRUTH, LOVE, JUSTICE AND ABOVE ALL THINGS…"  
**_Click. Aim…._**

**SHOTGUNBOOMINSERTHEREPLEASE.**

Edward shot Sailor Moon Buffy and tossed the gun back at Bella. "So anywaay…"

"MY GOD YOU JUST KILLED…" Bella fainted.

**Kay. Stop Now.**

Someone tell me how the HELL Bella knows about Jimmy, Greg, Bob, and Bill?? HOW? We're going to have to kill her….Yes…Her and L.C.Candle! THEN THE WORLD WILL BE MIINNEEE! Buwhahahhaa…Buwhahahahhaa…Buwhahahaha…

Am I on? I'm on aren't I? DANGIT! WHY DOES THAT ALWAYS HAPPEN? Great. I suppose everyone heard about the part of Edward going to Wal-Mart and Emmett getting that studded condom…And I'm positive they heard about Jacob Black going to buy a new pair of socks…And my Carlisle they MUST'VE HEARD ABOUT EDWARD CULLEN AND NANCY THE WAITER.

………………………Oh look we have a caller.

**L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; Hello this is WTI R191 Who's this?  
Caller; Yeah Hi, I need Amanda Kissinhug?  
L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; Oh yeah, sure, lemme check…Hey Bobby! Bobby will you find…-scribbles down name-**

**Bobby; Hey! Anyone here know Amanda Kissinhug? I need Amanda Kissinhug! A-MAN-DA-KISS-IN-HUG! **

**L.C.FREAIN' CANDLE; ….Wow…Bobby…I didn't know you were…THAT WAY (Not that there's anything WRONG with that) O.o**

**Kay. Go…NOW!**

"So, Edward, where are we going?" Bella asked, jumping up and down in the Volvo.

Edward cleared his throat and said in the Price is Right announcer guy's voice "A FANCY NEW RESTAURANNNNNNT!" He smiled big and pulled into the parking lot.

"But you're still dressed as a gothic kid!!" Bella whined, getting out of the car.

"OH FINE." Edward spun around and was instantly dressed as The Mask in a Pimp Suit. Yes, Edward Cullen as The Mask in a Pimp Suit….Kinda…creepy…Just like that studded condom Emmett owns…Or like that time there was a "Lemon" Fan fiction that was scheduled to be made fun of where Edward was gay…(Not that there's anything WRONG with that) And like that email I got about how you can get away with anything if you say "Bless your heart"….

So with that I have to say…

My Carlisle, your face is so ugly…Bless your heart.

Heehee…Hahaha…Hohahahahummm…Yeah right anyway….

**Kay. Stop Now.**

**Bobby; Hey...what happened to Bill? **

**L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; Coffee.**

**Bobby; Greg?  
L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; Uhh..Well…Greg's best friend forever, Mel, well he had to do CPR and call and ambulance and have her transported at super-fast speed to the ER before her lungs burst. And then she kinda sat and hypervinelated fir a couple hours.**

**Bobby; Bob?  
L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; Wal-Mart –sips coke-  
Bobby; Jimmy?  
L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; Dead. –chokes on coke- I MEAN…-gag- I MEAN…THE BANK! Yeah. The Bank…**

**Bobby; -shrug- Okay. But I thought he didn't have a banking account…**

**L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; Bobby?**

**Bobby; Yeah?**

**L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; -pulls out gun- What is this?  
Bobby; A…Gun?  
L.C. FREAKIN' CANDLE; And what do guns _do_, Bobby?  
Bobby; Shoot…things.**

**L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; And if I gave this gun to that menacing squirrel out to get you right there –points behind Bobby- What would happen?**

**Bobby; I'd get…shot? –smiles really big for being smart-**

**L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE; Good job, Bobby! Here you go Squirrel! –tosses gun at Squirrel-**

**My Carlisle…Just…JUST GO MAN! GO!!!**

"CAT FIGHTS ARE HOT." Edward yelled.

Bella yanked at Elyse's hair and Elyse uppercutted Bella.

"MO' FO' GET YO DAMNED HANDS OFF MY MUTHA FKIN FACE."

"GO GO GO"

"….YO."

"I'M PIMPIN."

"I'M MORE PIMPIN THAN YOU."

"PFFT. I'M GANGSTA."

"………….I'M EMMETT!!"

……………..Woa. Wait….That…wasn't…supposed to happen yet…That isn't even edited yet!!! WHO PRESSED FAST FORWARD ON THE WTI RADIO MACHINE???????

Gr. Here…just listen to Edgar Allen Pow. Our "sponser"

**Now for a brief commercial break!!!**

My name is Pow. Edgar Pow. Edgar Allen Pow. My mission? To corrupt the young minds of FanFiction readers and writers or just plain lurkers. Why? So I can destroy the world. As many of you have heard, I am Edgar Allen Poe's twin. I'm IMMORTAL!! And am also know as "The Thwacking Santa" for which you should be afraid. Very. Very afraid. So…

PITCHOW POW! –thwacks and runs off-

**Kay. Stop Now.**

**OHMYCARLISLE! I DIDN'T MEAN IT SQUIRREL! NO I DIDN'T MEAN IT! OMC SOMEONE CALL THE FBI! NO WAIT! DON'T DO THAT!! NO WAIT…**

…………………**.I am surrounded by murderers!!! MURDERERSS!!!!**

**Kay. Go Now. O.o**

You know what? Maybe we should just….Stop. I mean with all the murders and everything…It's just crazy…NO WAIT! OH MY CARLISLE! NANCY IS MAKING A MOVE! –pulls out binoculars-

x-x

Edward sat down and Bella sat across from him. Edward kept twitching as the waiter…or waitress…or It….kept thinking some…_things_ about Edward. The It's name was "Nancy" and It was wanted all over the world as a study for…It thingermajigs. Now you see, Nancy was absolutely terrifying Edward and because of it Nancy sincerely hoped that it could scare Edward into dating it.

………………………………………..It's logic isn't that…logical.

So anyway Bella kept scratching and yelling and screaming and growling while Edward whimpered. Yes. Edward whimpered and Bella growled. Who knew?

Nancy flipped its hair and leaned down to make eye contact with Edward, "Hey cutie."

And then it happened. Bella stood up and yanked Nancy by the hair away from Edward.

Bella betch slapped Nancy, "Guuurrrrll, don't be talkin' to my man like that."

Nancy snapped in a Z, "Sweetie, he ain't yo man."

"CAT FIGHTS ARE HOT." Edward yelled.

Bella yanked at Nancy's hair and Nancy uppercutted Bella.

"MO' FO' GET YO DAMNED HANDS OFF MY MUTHA FKIN FACE."

"GO GO GO"

"….YO."

"I'M PIMPIN."

"I'M MORE PIMPIN THAN YOU."

"PFFT. I'M GANGSTA."

"………….I'M EMMETT!!" Where Emmett came from, we don't know.

**So…Anyway…**

**That's a rap folks! Tune in next time for the continued part!!! WILL NANCY SRUVIVE THE CANDY MACHINE OR WILL BELLA FALL IN THE WASHER????**

**Next time on NOVA.**

Coming Up Next; Your FACE!!! The hit new television show about YOUR FACE!!!

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**Don't you people have LIVES to get to?**

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**Why are you still here? We're done!**

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**Charles….The baby isn't yours….**

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L.C.Candle; Will someone help me out of this closet…Please? Hello? Is anyone there!? Hey! BILL? BOB? GREG? JIMMY? BOBBY? MAN EATING CANDY BALL MACHINE???

Oh come on. Don't be mean…

_**Click.**_

HEY! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS!

_**Rustle**_

Hello?

_**Evil Laughter**_

OH CARLISLE! OH MY HELLLPPPPP!!

_**You hear nails scratching against the floor and the screams slowly die into the distant dark.**_

_**A head appears out of no where and smiles**_

"**WANNA GUMBALL?"**


	23. That Damned Canadian is at it again

**Plotline; MARRRLLLEEEENNNNEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!  
Why; It was all ellicullenmrl, topaz cloud, and everyone else who reviews fault. :D**

**Featuring; Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, Cadi the Damned Canadian, Rachelxena7, Marlene.**

**Kay. Stop Now.**

**Edward: So….Anyone know what happened to L.C.Candle and L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE?**

**Bella: No clue…Last I heard was that L.C.FREAKIN' CANDLE ditched town and later a whole bunch of guys turned up missing…-shrug- Dunno what happened to L.C.Candle though…**

**Jacob: The magazines came up with some pretty colorful stuff… I heard that she was eaten by a gumball machine.**

**Bella: That's hilarious! XD  
**

**Edward: -.- I don't like Gumball Machines…I always knew they were evil…**

**Bella and Jacob: O.o whaattteeevvveeerrrr….**

**Kay. Go Now.**

**Edward: What are we supposed to be doing anyway?**

Bella: Hells I know…

**Jacob: When did you start saying "Hells"**

**Bella: Same time you caught your underwear on fire.**

**Jacob: Bella! You promised!**

**Edward: You caught your underwear on fire?**

**Bella: Pretty much. I was there watching.**

**Jacob: SHUT UP! SHUT UP THE BOTH OF YOU!**

**Bella and Edward: -gigglesnort-**

**Kay. Stop Now.**

_Meanwhile, right outside your bedroom window…_

L.C.Candle- So…You come here often?

Gumball machine- -grunts- Heh…I use to…They had a hot pinball machine. We went out…But then she moved to go live with that bastard of a slushie machine…Who even likes slushie machines anyway? I mean….Gumballs are hotter, right? WHHYYY MAAAARRRRLLLEEENNNNEEEE???? WHHYYYYYY??????

L.C.Candle- Whatever dude…..-hides slushie-

**Kay. Go Now.**

**Edward: Hey…guys….I think the "Go Now" and "Stop Now" button is broken…**

**Bella: Why? O.o**

**Edward: Because it's telling us to go….**

**Jacob: BUT WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A SCRIPT!**

**Edward: That's the problem…O.o**

**Bella: You think it got confused because there isn't a script?**

**Edward: Probably o-o**

**Jacob: LET'S POKE IT:D**

**Kay. Stop Poking Me Now.  
**

Twilight FanFiction readers sat at their computers and pointed at the screen. Some idiots laughed a few times and some others where running around screaming, "OHNOESWHATHAPPENEDFTOWTI?????" While only one FanFiction user stood up against the odd crowd of insane people…

Her Name?

Cadi the Damned Canadian.

She had know idea, wasn't even expecting to be mentioned, let alone become a hero. Maybe…If she had known….she wouldn't have ditched L.C.CANDLE with the gumball machine and kept walking on…

She didn't even know that her sidekick would be….

Rachelxena7. The online computer gamer who probably isn't even a computer gamer….No wait…just checked her profile she's a gothic. Okay so this chick here, this gothic chick who in this story will be like some kind of high-of-sugar gothic chick didn't even know Cadi the Damned Canadian.

Maybe…If she did…She would've ran away screaming. But we'll never know….No…We'll never know….EVVVEEERRRRR!!

**Kay. Go Now.**

**Edward: Who the crap is narrating this story?**

**Bella: Isn't Cadi the Damned Canadian the girl you blame for Jewish people?**

**Jacob: ….Do you have a problem with Jewish people, Edward? O.o**

**Edward: …-turns away- ….**

**Bella: Come on Edward, it's okay to talk…**

**Edward: heyoomoochmymoochmmmm..**

**Jacob: What? O.o**

**Bella: Umm…-reads above- "Heyoomoochmymoochmmmm?" **

**Jacob: Is he even speaking real words? O-o**

**Bella: I….I don't know Jacob…I just don't know….-takes off doctor equipment and throws it to ground- -walks away-**

**Jacob: Bella?**

**Kay. Stop Now.**

So…right after this update I'm pretty sure Rachelxena7 and Cadi the Damned Canadian will be freaking out and beating up _this_ narrator of the radio show…Ermm…FanFiction….Ermm…Crime Scence….uhh…

YOUR FACE.

So, anyway, Rachelxena7 and Cadi skipped off singing Mary Poppins song and wearing pink. Bright pink. They stopped.

"WTF? WHY AM I WEARING PINK? WHO THE –BLEEP- IS RUNNING THIS PLACE??????? I DEMAND A NEW MANAGER!!!" Rachelxena7 yelled.

Cadi swirled around in her summer spring dress thing… "I THINK IT'S PRETTY!"

I think at this moment, both heroines decided to attack the computer screen and rip _this_ narrator up into little bitty pieces.

_This_ narrator wondered if Rachelxena7 even minded being mentioned several times in WTI when she didn't even know the author or _this _narrator that well….Hmm……Hope she doesn't sue….

**Kay. Go Now.**

**This is Edward Cullen! LIVE ON THE EDWARD CULLEN RADIO SHOW! We seem to have a caller! HELLO?**

**_Yeah hi, beeotch. Listen you need to like fooookin break up with Bella and go out with me. YOU KNOW YOU KNOW? Come on dog. We have some FUNNN… ALL GANGSTA LIKE!_**

**Is this Betsy again? -.-**

_**You know it baby! WHOO-WHOOO!**_

**For the love of….Listen kid, we all know you're a prep in disguise. Preps aren't a problem because heck, I have to sit with _Lauren_ at lunch…But come on kid. Stop acting like a "Gangster" –clicks- Anyway….we have another caller!!! Hello?**

**_Help me. –click-_**

**Umm...O.o anyway…We'll be playing AFI LOVE LIKE WINTER AND MISS MURDER NEXT!!! Right after this call….Hello?**

**_AFI MUST DIE! I MEAN DID YOU SEE THEM ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO? I MEAN THE LEAD SINGER WAS SO GAY (NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT OF COURSE) I MEAN HE DANCED GAY, HE LOOKED GAY, I MEAN IT WAS SO FUNNY THAT THE MIC WAS HAVING PROBLEMS. CARLISLE, THEY CAN'T SING LIVE WORTH CRAP! YOU TOTALLY HAVE TO HAVE THE SPECIAL COMPUTER EFFECTS AND EVERYTHING! YOU KNOW WHAT'D BE AWESOME? IF THIS WAS ON A RADIO SHOW AND HEARD BY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE. I CAN SEE IT NOW "HELLO THIS IS STATION WTIR191 YOU'RE ON THE AIR" AND THEN I CAN SEE MYSELF GOING ON AND ON ABOUT AFI LIKE I JUST DID A MINUTE AGO….YEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH SO LIKE IT'D BE JUST LIKE THIS HELLO? YOUR ON THE AIR! WE'RE ABOUT TO PLAY AFI!!! HELLO? HELL NO TURN IT OFF! AFI CAN'T SING THEIR RETARDS WITHOUT COMPUTER AMPLIFICATIONS!!!!!!!!!!_**

**…………..-click-**

**Kay. Stop Now.**

L.C.Candle- So…Anyone think they'll find us under their bedroom window? O.o

Gumball Machine named Mark- -sigh- It doesn't matter anymore…life doesn't matter….MARLLEEENNNNNEEEEEE!!!

_Marlene eagerly left the Slushie Machine after he said he had an affair with the magazine stand and is now living in the home of Cat Macabre where she will live happily in the messy room of Miss Macabre's demented brother._

_In addition, Marlene was reunited with her cousin several years before she moved in to Miss Macabre's brother's messy room. Marlene is a very happy pinball machine and has regretted leaving the Gumball Machine….Not._

_Also, following the update of this chapter, Cadi the Canadian and Rachelxena7 where hit by three gallons of mustard. Unfortunately they survived the assassination. We do not know the assassin or the whereabouts of L.C.Candle and the mysterious Gumball Machine named Mark. If you have any information please call, 536-5463_


	24. Beware of the Mysterious Typer

**New Moon Only Readers; Important Bulletin.**

_**It has come to my attention that there are several New Moon only readers. These readers, we have concluded, are the reason for several of the "Edward Leaves and is BACK! AFTER 30 YEARS!" fics. This must end now.**_

**Bella: How the crap is this updating?**

**Edward: Who the hell is typing that???**

_**If you are a New Moon only reader then you must go buy Twilight now. This is clearly unacceptable. What is wrong with you people? Do you think you understand Bella and Edward and that they broke up so easily because of one mistake? Hell no! There is so much more to it than that and all of you people need to get your asses over to Barnes and Nobels and get Twilight!**_

**Jacob: This is kinda creepy…**

**Edward: I'm a bit scared…**

**Bella: Really now? Never would've guessed…**

_**Yeah. I see any more of you New Moon ONLY readers I will sick so many rabid fans on you, you will choke and die. We already did it to one guy. He started reading New Moon first…Man did he get it.**_

**Edward: No seriously…Who is typing this??**

**Bella: Aren't all the Candles and Candlesticks and Candlestones and so on and so forth dead or kidnapped or something?**

**Jacob: They should be O.o**

**Edward: Ohmy…It's typing again guys…GUYS DO ANY OF YOU SEE THAT MOUSE?**

…_**Shutup Edward. The point is, we will find you. We will hit you with toast. We will find a way to reach you. And we will hurt you like we hurt poor dear old Luis.**_

_**We're watching you Luis. Don't think we aren't.**_

**Edward: You read that right? YOU SAW IT RIGHT? I'M NOT CRAZY!**

**Bella: -leans over to Jacob- -whispers- The voices are talking to him again.**

**Jacob: -frowns- -furrows eyebrows- That explains it**

**Kiwi: -pops up out of no where- Yeaaaaaaaah I knew he was on meds…**

**Bella: MY CARLISLE JUST GO. AWAY. AWAAAAAAAAY.**

**Kiwi: You're all on meds…-spoof-**

_**You guys really are on meds…And remember Bella…I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEEP ATTT NIIIIIGGHHHHTTTT!!!!**_

**Bella: OHMYCARLISLE! THE VOICES! THE VOICES ARE OUT TO GET ME! THE VOOIIICCCESSSSSSS!**

**Jacob: Insanity. Welcome to insanity folks. Welcome to Insanity Room 191.**


	25. Bashing of the Drums

**While everyone else was attacked by mustard….We did some good old BASHING.**

**x-x-x-x**

"Kiss me, Edward Cullen!" Metilda said, wrapping her arms around Edward's neck.

"Yes my beloved!" Edward leaned in and pushed his lips against Metilda's, teasing her by licking her lips with his tongue. She opened her mouth and he deepened the kiss.

Bella walked through the door, dropping her book bag on the side and pulled back her hair, "So…Saturday would be good to go to the…HOLY FKING SHOOT." Bella stumbled backwards into the wall. Which collapsed. Yes, collapsed.

"No wait Bella!" Edward whipped around, taking his tongue out of Metilda's mouth. "Let me explain, please…" He stepped forward. And dropped on one knee. Why? We don't know…It's Edward…Angsty Angsty Edward. Ba dadaboom dadaboomity boom. Oh oh. Break it down now. Angsty yeah yeah yo yo ANGSTY. YO GOTTA BE ANGSTY ANGSTY OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH. Yeah anyway…

"NO! NEVVEEEEERRRR!!" Bella walked out of the collapsed living room and down the street. Crying she was, she was oh so sad…yes…sad…Oonta…Oonta…Oonta badoomity boom boom BAM…..-shifty eyes- Sooo…

A brand new vampire caught up to Bella. He was hott. Like, really, hott. He was so awesome. We all know he's better than Edward. I mean it's not like Twilight actually meant anything. Only New Moon matters, right? Riiiiggghhhtttt. Anything is possible dood….

"Hey Baby." He winked. Ewww…do I see an ELVIS PRESELY HAIRCUT?

"Oo-la-la." Bella winked too and jumped on his motorcycle which appeared out of no where.

"Do you like ELVIS?" this really weird Elvis looking guy asked. My bad, "vampire."

"No." Bella shook her head. "Why you aren't like…ELVIS are you? Lol!!!!"

"Actually…I AM. BOOM BABY."

"Since when does Elvis say BOOM BABY?" Bella raised one eyebrow and jumped off the bike which had shrunk into a tricycle. How? Ask ELYSE.

"BELLA! BEEELLLLLAAAAAA!!" Edward screamed, kissing Metilda on and off on the way over to Bella. _Will the madness never eeennnddd?_

"NO EDWARD I WILL NOT MARRY YOU OR FORGIVE YOU LOLZ. CUZ I'M MARRIED TO ELVIS NOW. AND I'M PREGNANT. AGAIN. LIKE ALWAYS. LOL. OHNOES I HAD A MISCARRIAGE AND IT'S ALL UR FAULT SO NOW I'M GOING TO LIKE-LOL-FALL INTO YOUR ARMS AND FORGIVE YOU!" Bella said in a really high preppy voice…

Somehow, while kissing Metilda, who appeared to be Aro's granddaughter. Yeah, somehow, ARO HAD KIDS. Really…I mean you think the guys happy pills would prevent him from having kids…but you knoooww…O.o; …Edward managed to speak to Bella. SOMEHOW.

"So like. Anyway Bellz. Now that you forgive me and all, I think it's time to tell you….METILDA AND I? YEAH WE'RE TWO PEAS IN A POD. TWO PEAS IN A POD BABY! _TWO_!" Here Edward held up three fingers to represent two.

"NO WAI."

"YA WAI!"

"Lolz. I'm Elvis."

Emmett slapped Elvis and disappeared, waving his arms going "YOU DDIIIDDDN'T SEEEE ANYYYTTTHHHIIINNNGGGG!!!!"

O.o; Okkaaaaayyy….Moving on.

Bella fell into Edward's arms dramatically, "BABY. I LOVE YOU. YOU LOVE ME. WE'RE ONE BIG FAMILY WITH A GREAT BIG HUG AND GIVE A DOG A BONE…..I'M TOO SEXY FOR YOUR EYELASH."

Metilda the blow up doll (yes she was a blow up doll after all…-sigh- Sorry guys!) deflated and squeaked "I'LL GET YOU MY PRETTY! I'LL GEEEETTT YOOOUUUUUU!!"

Soooooo…………..Jacob was murdered brutally by a bunch of vampires just out of the blue and was sued a million dollars just because. Also, in conclusion, Rosalie had five kids who killed her because she was mean to them and she was a whiny little brat all the time.

There. Everyone's happy. Riiight?

Wrong.

"BOOMDABOOMITYBOOMBOOOOOM." Once again HARRY POTTER disguised as AFI spoofed from the ground and replaced Metilda. "I AM. HARRRRYYY POOTTEERRRRR." He yelled.

"You're a hair pot?" Edward asked, tilting his head to the side, "SWEEEEEEEEEEET"

And so Hairy Pot became a very nice flower pot and table for Edward and Bella while Harry Potter remained missing and unfortunately, his owner, had to fake his death in her last book.

THE END.

_Boomchakalalala BOOMITY ANGSTY ANGSTY WOOOAAAAAAAAHHH!!_

_Edward; Why are the drums still going off?_

_L.C.Candle; This is a BASHING fic! I HAVE TO BASH THE DRUMS. DUH._


	26. Secrets again

**Secrets.**

The bulge was growing larger and larger, she would not longer be able to keep it secret much longer. How could this have happened? Edward had used protection. This just wasn't possible.

She left her reflection in the mirror and jumped in Edward's car with tight jeans and a tight shirt. Edward leaned over and kissed her passionately, tongue in mouth. She giggled and pushed him further.

Until…

Bella the blow up doll did just that. It blew up. Edward was left, licking a piece of balloon. And then the real Bella sat in her place.

"Damn." Her shook his head from side to side and started the car. He was really enjoying that doll until it blew up. But that wasn't the point now was it?

Bella sat nervously in her seat, wearing those tight clothes. Who the crap wore tight clothes when they were getting a bit bigger everyday? Come on now…

"Bella is something wrong….?" Edward looked over at his beautiful woman. Oh yeah…he remembered that one night. That one magical night where he and Bella shared their love by going farther than he would have expected.

Dairy Queen.

Oh yes, he was so anxious that night, so nervous, but he had to…He just had to watch Bella eat ice cream with the two for one dollar fifty nine cents deal. It was too good to pass up! He shook his head, trying to clear the memory, but a small smile spread across his face.

"Nothing, Edward!" Bella smiled and they walked out of the car leaving no detail on how they suddenly managed to appear—spoof—into their first period which so magically was Gym. Yes, we all knew that Edward and Bella were time travelers with a way to magically skip every class and go to Gym in just five minutes time.

A blonde cheerleader, you guessed it, Lauren...but then again...Lauren's hair is brown in this story…Huh. That's weird…Whatever…Lauren came up to Edward and pulled down his neck and kissed him.

And that's when Bella screamed. She screamed for a very long time. She screamed as she said hi, as she said bye, as she ordered some fries. She screamed. And screamed and screamed. Her and Edward were forever torn apart, just like that. It's such a shame too.

Bella found a note on her bed.

_"Yeah. Like. Haha. I like. Left you. For like. Mary Sue. So like. OMCEE. Hah. Hahaha. You're a looser and Twilight for us never happened. Yup. Haha. Sucker. Yup. I know. I'm awesome. BYES. _

_LOLZ. LOVES FOR EVER….NOT. BYE. EDDIE POO WHO ISN'T YOUR ANY MORESSS."_

Bella sat down and cried. Two minutes later she gave birth to a child, not just any child, but a half vampire child! This is so called very likely even though Carlisle clearly explained in Twilight that the eternal organs are destroyed during the process of changing into a vampire so therefore there aren't sperm or any such sexual terms that do not need to be mentioned left in a vampire.

TOP THAT WIKIPEDIA!

It also happened that Bella Swan was a vampire. A vampire who could have children. Just because…that was her power. So…yeah. How does having kids become such a strong trait for any woman, more so, one like Bella, I don't know. It's just how the world works.

Fifteen years later Bella had another kid. Who just so happened to be part vampire, part werewolf! She married Jacob Black when he…well no, we're not going to bring THAT story in a rated T for TEENS fanfic. Just. No. Anyway, just assume the worst that he did because he did even though it is his job to search and destroy vampires, he married one and they have a kid, who was once a suicidal emo kid, but is now a homicidal Mountain Dew coke bottle!

Hey, it's not my fault the guy couldn't find a decent job at Pepsi besides the walking Mountain Dew spokesperson.

So Edward comes back at last. We all know he couldn't last more than a year with Bella, but apparently he died and lasted fifteen years without his one true love which had caused him all his sexually oppressed pain.

AND YES. YES, JASPER, WE WILL CONTINUE TO USE THAT HERE. SO HAH. HAH. HAH.

Cough. Cough. Moving along…

Edward walks in the Black home, which was formerly on La Push...but things change. "LUCCCYYYY I'M HOOOMMMEEEE!!" he yells, dropping his keys and jacket on the floor.

Bella runs downstairs dressed as Lucy and attacks Edward, "RICKY, YOU'RE HOMEEE!!"

"LUCCCYYY WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO? WHERE'S ETHEL? I MEAN…ETHAN." Yeah. Ethel was killed in a car accident so they had to replace her with Ethan. Poor girl.

"I HAVEN'T JUST DECIDED TO DUMP ALL THE ROOT BEER INTO THE CULLEN MANSION, NO WAY JOSE!" Unfortunately, there was a recall on all the Pepsi in the world and so Pepsi was replaced with cheap beer made out of leaves because roots were too expensive.

So as Edward ran back to his house he crossed a little girl? Her name, Eve. Who she was? That half vampire child who stopped growing and permanently froze at 15.

"OMC! DADDY!" She attacked Edward and ended up biting his neck, killing him.

"TELL GRANDMA….I WON'T…MAKE….THANKSGIVING DINNER THIS YEAR!!! GASPSTICKINGOUTMYTONGUEI'MDIEINCOUGHPAIN…POKE." Those were the last words heard from Edward Cullen.

**Commentary.**

**So. Stop. Dude. Seriously.**

**I SAID STOP.**

**  
Edward: …..But it's spring.**

**Bella: Yeah but you missed thanksgiving last year so…we still have to apologize.**

**Jacob: Do I want to know what fic mentions the very bad thing I do to Bella?**

**Eve: No.**

**Bella: Hey…isn't this supposed to be more serious than funny?**

**Edward: Yeah…I heard she tried that but by the second page she lost it.**

**Eve: Ouch. X.x**

**Edward: Yeah…I know.**

**Eve: No I mean you do a HORRIBLE RICKY RICARDO ACCENT!**

**Jacob: Hey…Bella. –nervous- -NOSEBLEED-**

**Bella: Uhuh?**

**Jacob: You remember when you got pregnant with EDWARDCULLENMUSTDIE, our son?**

**Bella: Oh…yeaaaaah –blush-**

**Jacob: Can we do that again?**

**Edward: Wait. Wait. WOAH. WOAH. WOAH. WHAT?**

**Bella: Sure Jakey x3 –giggle-**

**Edward: But…Bella…**

**Eve: Ouuuccchhh**

**Edward: MY HEART X.X**

**Eve: No. I just threw a rock at a cat and it looked like it hurt.**

**Edward: Oh.**

**Bella: LET'S GO JAKE!**

**Jake: TO….**

**Edward: No.**

**Bella: STARRRBBUUUUCCCKKKKSSSS!!!**

**Jake: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!**

**Edward: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!**

**Eve: Haha. Looserrr.**


	27. Starbucks and Me

**Memory.**

Jacob and Bella held hands as they each sipped Starbucks Vanilla Frappuccinos (now a dollar ninety nine at the local Wal-Mart near you!). Eve and EDWARDCULLENMUSTDIE, skipped ahead, bouncing around as a real family that is in no way humanly possibly different and consisting of vampires, werewolves, and half vampires. That was insane.

The Blacks were normal, relatively calm persons of sorts. Of course, the love triangle between Bella, Jacob, and Edward was very confusing, this family was normal. Absolutely normal. It was dark, but it wasn't Twilight because twilight doesn't exist in this world and therefore never has. WHAT THEN? YOU WANNA GO NEW MOON ONLY READERS? YOU WANNA GO? LET'S TAKE IT OUTSIDE, BABY.

An ambulance swirled by and Bella dropped her drink, "OMC!!" she screamed.

"Is everything alright Bella my darling?" Jacob asked in his oh so shmexy werewolf-ey way…

"NO OF COURSE NOT CUZ THAT IS EDWARD IN THAT AMBULANCE!! OMC!" Bella screeched at her family and took off to the hospital.

She entered the hospital and snuck off to see Edward in his hospital room. She pressed her ear to the door like a little munchkin.

"_The Wenis says you're suffering from third degree burns, Edward."_

That must've been Carlisle, Bella thought.

"_The Wenis you say?"_

WTF is a Wenis? Bella would have to ask Edward later.

"_No, your wenis, we're going to have to remove it…as well as your gina."_

Was she hearing right? The door seemed to block parts of words…Certain TEEN rated words…

"_Will that be painful?"_

"_It's not my fault you have both a wenis and a gina."_

My Carlisle, HE HAS BOTH????

"_I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE! BLACK DOES TOO!"_

Oh gosh, this was just getting worse… Black? JACOB? Her darling Jacob had BOTH??? Oh Carlisle… she was married to a freak and had dated one too…

How had Edward received third degree burns? Her mind drifted…

"_Esme got a new carpet!" Edward yelled, bouncy up and down. "IT'S FLUFFY AND RED LIKE ROSES AND BLUSHES, LIKE YOUR BLUSHES SO NOW I CAN NEVER STOP PLAYING THE PAINO." Then Bella spilled wine, BLUE WINE, all over the floor… Esme's firetorcher wasn't ruined like the carpet was though…_

Hey… wait a minute… EDWARD IS DEAD. Another memory hit her…

"_MOMMY! MOMMY! I SOLD OUR COW FOR MAGIC BEANS!!"_

No wait, wrong one…

"_SO… we pour this… Cow… tongue… liquid… down his throat and he wakes up?"_

_A fly landed on Edward's nose. EDWARDCULLENMUSTDIE ate it._

"_I thought we named EDWARDCULLENMUSTDIE for a reason…"_

"_WHATEVS." Someone chunked the reviving potion down Edward's throat and he sat up and screamed._

"_MISS MARY LUE HAD TO TIE HER SHOE AND DIDN'T WAKE UP IN THE MORNING!!!"_

Bella was brought back to reality realizing that 'It's Raining It's Pouring' is a homicidal almost suicidal song…The guy killed himself because he hit his head. Yet, the RAIN seemed to murder him by making him trip and fall in the first place… Hmm… this was something to ponder upon…

Back to the point… there is a guy running around the hospital waiting room screaming that Edward Cullen was at last dead and this guy claimed Santa Claus finally had his revenge against the guy who made him immortal.

Oh yeah, that dude was definitely insane…

Speaking of insanity… More memories drifted to Bella's mind.

_**Jacob:** I think he's speaking WORDS of some kind…_

_**Bella:** Do vampires have another language?_

_**Jacob:** Not of my knowledge._

_**Girl from Edward past:** -LOUD OBNOXIOUS SMOOCHING NOISES-_

_**Edward:** HEMPH MEH!_

_**Bella:** Edward we don't understand you._

_**Edward:** HEMPH. MEH._

_**Jacob:** He said…Hump me?_

_**Bella:** EDWARD!_

_**Edward:** MMMOO! BEMMA! OONM MIZUN!_

Oh yeah, good times… Just like Mike Newton…

Mike Newton? Who in the world are you talking about, Bella just not just think about Mike Newton and you are insane for thinking such things just as you are insane for reading this type at this very moment. ARE YOU MAD? Bella isn't secretly Mike's girlfriend who he purposely hurt by poking her in the shoulder millions of times.

**YOU'RE ALL CRAZY.**

**That's a rap. Good job everyone, take five!  
Guys…those are my donuts…  
Hey…hey guys…  
THOSE ARE'T EVEN DONUTS.**

Bella: So theeeeen….Anyone notice that I'm allergic to Vanilla?

Jacob: You are? O.O

Bella: Uhuh…

Edward: I burned my wenis and gina

Jacob: X.X DUDE WTF? I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD BOTH!!

Bella: My Gosh Eddie…I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE LIKE THAT.

Edward: Idiots. O-o

Eve: Isn't a wenis like…a chart thing? Cuz I saw this show and the guy was screaming "I DON'T LIKE THE WENIS BILL, I DON'T LIKE HOW THE WENIS LOOKS, FIX IT!" and yeah…

EDWARDCULLENMUSTDIE: You believe everything the TV tells you to believe.

Eve: No, I don't.

EDWARDCULLENMUSTDIE: Yes you do.

Edward: SHUTTUP.

Bella: I never noticed how many E's are in this conversation…

Jacob: Srsly.

Mike Newton: ...HEY.

Edward: Go away you gaywad (NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING _WRONG_ WITH THAT!!)

Jacob: The faggot. (NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING _WRONG_ WITH THAT!!)

Eve: TRANSEXUAL!!! (Not that there's anything _WRONG_ with that!!)

EDWARDCULLENMUSTDIE: HOMOSEXUAL! (Not that there's anything _WRONG_ with that!!)

Bella: -stares blankly-


	28. Your Face

My name is Cassandra! I am Bella's cousin! I am super hot and am I total blonde! 2+2 1! OMG! So lyke I'm going to Forks High school now. DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IT HERE AT FORKS! OMG LOOK IT'S A SUPER HOT BOY! LET'S GO HERD HIM!

**_At this time several people on run in and shoot the Insane Asylum Mental Patient for the excessive prepness._**

_**At the same time the preps on cry and tell L.C. to stop being mean.**_

**At the SAME TIME, L.C. runs away screaming her head off even though she isn't supposed to be here.**

**Oh well.**

The super hot boy ended up being of course, Edward Cullen. And at this point, we ask, where did all the Jasper or Emmett fans go? Are they lurking in the dark shadows clutching Jasper and Emmett plushies? And what about the Alice and Rosalie fans? WHERE ARE YOU FANS?

So, as Edward and Bella were talking, the herder and oh-so-popular cousin of Bella's. Cassandra crept up to eavesdrop. Now kiddies, eavesdropping is very bad and you should never do it unless no one knows you're there.

"Bella...I told you…" Edward sighed.

"HOW COME YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT YOU WERE BOTH? HUH??? HUUUHHH?" Bella screeched, "DO YOU LIKE…DO YOURSELF? IS THAT POSSIBLE? HOW DID YOU GET BURNED THERE? OMC DID ESME ACTUALLY DO THAT? EWWWW!!!"

"Bella! A wenis and a gina aren't what you…"

"STOP! STOP TELLING ME! I UNDERSTAND YOU WANT TO BREAK UP WITH ME. WELL FINE." Bella stalked off and Cassandra made her move.

"OMCEE LYKE HI I'M LYKE CASSANDRA BUT LYKE CALL ME CASSY, OKAY? OMCEE YOU'RE REALLY PRETTY! OMCEE OMCEE! DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?" Many people in the cafeteria put on earplugs. Lucky dogs…

"And then quite suddenly, as people are used to the quite suddenlyness, a dead man named Edgar Allan Pow jumped in. Why? I don't know, don't you miss the guy though? So hot…so shmexy… Right, anyway.

"I'M EDGAR ALLAN POW, POW POW, PITCHOW PITCHOW POW. HIPPIDIE DO DAW, HIPPIDIE DAY. WHEEEEEEE. PITCHOW POW" and of course, Edgar hit Cassy upside her head so hard I think the stupid came out.

My bad, the tiniest amount of smart spilled out. Well…there goes her chance at college…

Cassy started to LITERALLY FACE EAT EDWARD CULLEN. I'm serious guys, THERE WAS SOUND EFFECTS AND EVERYTHING. "OHLM. HOLM. MOLHM. MMMMMM EATINGYOURFACEWHATCHAGONNADOABOUTIT?"

After, several, several, gruesome hours of face eating Jasper at last spoke.

"PARTY AT MY HOUSE!" he screamed.

Have you ever seen a movie where everyone just stops and runs towards an area? Yeah well everyone just stopped and ran to the Cullen's mansion right then. CAN YOU PICTURE IT? HUH? HUH? CAN YA CAN YA???

Cassy and Edward went to Edward's house and Cassy got lost with this guy named Mike. Lemme tell you, there were floor stains everywhere. If you haven't noticed Esme has a FLAMEBLOWER TORCH THING. Be afraid, guys. Be very, very afraid.

It just so happens that Bella was there, and it just so happens that Edward grabbed her and led her to his room.

"Bella, I love you, and I swear I don't have two sexes…That isn't what a wenis and Gina are anyway. I promise you I've always loved you even though now you're 18 and somehow we transported back in time from the time you got married to Jacob Black and pregnant with his kid to now! LET'S MAKE LOVE." Edward said, pushing open the door of his room.

"I don't know Edward…" But it was too late. Edward had already shoved the hobo with the beer and balloon out of the room by throwing him out the window wall.

………………..I'm sorry this content has been blocked due to the rating………………I'm sorry this content has been blocked due to the rating……………….I'm sorry you horny freaks this content has been blocked due to the rating………………I'm sorry but seriously this is a TEEN rated fic this content has been blocked due to the rating………………..

"Ohemcee, Edward that was amazing." Bella said, her clothes still on and her hair not messed up. Same with Edward. He had ketchup smeared across his face.

"I know…Making love to a burger by eating it…it's truly wonderful. Now Bella…I have something to say…"

Gasping, Bella asked, "What?"

"I NEVER WANTED MORE THAN A BURGER WITH YOU, I'M SORRY!!!" And then Edward picked up Bella beer-drunked-thrown-out-guy style and threw her out the window like the hobo with the magical doll.

**Kill me now.**

**Edward, Bella, Jasper; -PUKES-**

**Bella; Yeah that burger…not so good.**

**Edward; I will never go to McDonalds ever again.**

**Jasper; why the HELL where you at Mickey Dee's? YOU CAN'T EAT HUMAN FOOD!**

**Edward; The ketchup looked like blood.**

**Bella; Where's Jake?**

**Jasper; -mumbles- Dead?**

**Bella; WHAT???**

**Jasper; Nothing, nothing…DAIRY QUEEN AND STARBUCKS ANYONE????? X.X**


	29. Filler Comickals

**Bella: I can't believe you killed Jacob.**

**Jasper: At least I paid for the starbucks!**

**Edward: …Berries and Crème, Berries and crème! I'm a little lad who likes berries and crème!!**

**Jasper: Wtfh?**

**Edward: ….Can we start now?**

**Okay. Go.**

_When we last left the Cullens and their tagalong sidekick they were beating up the wonderful and brilliant, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, now their senses and powers are put to the ultimate test when…_

THE FANTASTIC FIFTEEN COME INTO PLAY!

_What will Bella and Edward do when they realize that Derell, Edward's long lost twin brother is an object of Bella's love? Will Bella finally leave Edward in all his misery and marry Derell who exists only in the pathetic minds of authors who consistently put characters out of their personalities? FIND OUT NEXT ON…_

WHAT THE FOOKING HELL?

**Stop now.**

**Bella: You have to wonder sometimes…**

**L.C.Candle: So I hired a new assistant today…**

**Edward: WHEN DID YOU GET HERE? WHEN???**

**L.C.Candle: When L.C. FREAKIN' CANDLE got arrested for murder.**

**Bella: Oh right…I heard about that poor Bob.**

**L.C.Candle: His name was Greg.**

**Bella: Poor Greg.**

**Edward: I thought his name was Jennifer?**

**Bella: No that's the chick that swears you're an alien**

**Edward: Oh right.**

**Go Now.**

"EDWARD! MY DARLING, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SOME TOUGH TIMES, SWEETIE BUT…" Bella began, her sobs echoing through the echo-ey hallways of echo-ey doom.

"You're breaking up with me?" Edward said, his lip quivering.

"NO SWEETIE, I MERELY MUST SAY THAT…"

"You're breaking up with me!" Edward screamed, "AFTER ALL I DID FOR YOU!"

"You broke my leg."

"IT WAS A BAD LEG, DAMNIT!" Edward cried in his pathetic self defence. But wait! ONG! WHAT IS THIS?

Edward pulled off his mask to reveal a face that looked exactly the same, "I AM DERELL THE ULTIMATE GUY OF ULTIMESSITTTYYY! I AM PART OF THE…FANTASTIC FIFTEEN!" Somewhere in the distance there was a loud booming of superhero music.

There was a crashing as Bella stared in horror at the broken stained glass window.

"That cost me…"

"I AM KIWI!!! I CONTAIN THE SECRETS OF THE WOOORLLD OF KETCHUP! WHAT IS IN KETCHUP? YOU'LL NEVER KNNNNOOOOOOWWW!" A girl named Kiwi dressed in a skin tight green outfit fell out of the stained glass window that had just been broken. Her arms were moving about in a pathetic attempt to do the wave.

"Isn't it mostly just tomatoes?" Bella asked.

"AND RED DYE 56!!!!! BUT SHHHHHH! YOU'LL NEVER KNOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!" The arms continued to flail in a very odd not wave like fashion.

There was a politely rung doorbell before Mike Newton scurried through the door in a super super tight blue outfit with the number "51" on it. Now when I say super tight blue outfit..I really mean _super super super tight so tight that it makes certain areas bulge. _

**Please stop now so the audience may have a moment of gagging.**

**Bella: -sips starbucks- -spews all over Edward-**

**Edward: -twitches and falls over, still twitching like a dead little cockaroach-**

**Jasper: FLAIL LITTLE KIWI!!!! FLAIL UNTIL YOU FLYYYYYYYY!!**

**L.C.Candle: MY EYES! OH DEAR CARLISLE MY EYES!!!!**

**Jacob: -is somehow revived from dead after reading above- OH THE HORROR! THE HORRRRRRRROOOOOOR!**

**L.C.Candle: IT BURRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSS!!**

**Kiwi: DEATH TO THE SKIN TIGHT OUTFIT!**

**Edward: Hey you're not supposed to be here…**

**Okay…Cautiously Go. **

We meant his stomach you sick little perverted freaks. We all know Mike Newton is secretly a girl and therefore has none of…well you know. Giant bulging…items.

Kiwi pulled out a large red and sticky ketchup bottle, and squirted it all over Mike Newton, "TAKE IT OFFFF!!! TAKE IT OFFFF!! THE FATNESS OF THE STOMACH!!! IT BURRRNNNNNNNNNSSSSS! IT BURRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNSSS!"

Bella stopped Kiwi, ending up with ketchup all over her as Kiwi closed her eyes and shot at everyone. "Kiwi…You must listen…if he takes it off…WE'LL DIE IN A CATASTROPHIC EXPLOSION!!!"

Derell stared at Bella, "BUT BELLA DARLING, YOU'RE GOING BLIND AT THE HORROR OF MIKE!!!"

Bella fainted on the floor dramatically and then stood up again, "I KNOW MY LOVE, I KNOOOOWWW!!"

Just then Edward Cullen flew in from the ceiling and sat on Derell.

There was a loud explosion after all but it emitted from the bottom of Edward and stunk reaaalllly reaaaallly bad. Everyone gagged to death.

**Those who are still alive, please stop now.**

**L.C.Candle: That was incrediously short.**

**Edward: I feel sick.**

**Bella: Ewwwww.**

**Jasper: It's a relief he's a girl.**

**Jacob: Definitley…**

**L.C.Candle: You two are insensitive, didn't you just read? Everyone died because Edward farted!**

**Bella: How the heck do vampires fart?**

**L.C.Candle: -puts hand on Bella's shoulder- Honey, anything is possibly in the world of WTFH (fast talking commercial person in background: Formally known as Welcome to Insanity Room 191 and WTF) I wonder if anyone knows this is just a filler until the bashing of Arrossire Giovani comes out…**

**Okay. I think it's safe to Go.**

_AND THAT CONCLUDES THE QUESTION_

_EDWARD OR DERELL_

_Apparently it's starbucks._

_TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT WHETHER OR NOT KIWI LIVES WIT HER GIANT KETCHUP BOTTLE WHICH ISN'T REALLY KETCHUP!!!_


End file.
